You will be Mine
by stilljustme
Summary: After his undercover mission Jamie finally starts feeling normal again, and comfortable with whom and where he is. But Reagan's Law is it that a Reagan's life is never to be easy. There's old love and new love and everlasting jealousy, and this time Jamie will not get out of it without his family's help.
1. Chapter 1

_This story is kind of an experiment. When I started to write I knew the end of it but had no idea how I would get there. So I just tried to let it run and… this is it. I thought it would be a oneshot but it somehow became more… I hope there will be some JamieWhump! in the end. As always, I'm very thankful for every kind of review.  
PS: For those of you who are reading "Haunted", first: I'm working on the next chapter, and on getting the story back to more family scenes, and second: This could be seen – a bit – like an alternative ending. A very alternative one.  
_

It started with a phone call. Jamie wasn't at his desk in time to pick up, and when he checked the ID he found none. A year ago it wouldn't have bothered him, but by now his number was deleted from every phone book. Whoever had called him had either stolen his number from someone he knew, or was someone he knew – but why then should he hide who he was?  
Jamie decided not to call back in the end. He had an appointment with Maura Baker, detective Baker's younger sister, and he didn't want to be even more late on his first date in what seemed like ten years. Not that he'd have had time for dating recently. The youngest Reagan sighed as he closed his locker. It was good to finally be himself again – he had loved his work undercover but being a cop was all he had ever wanted. Being a cop, and being recognized as one. He was thankful not to be forced to hide it any longer.

His cell rang again, shorter now. Text message. "_Sorry, ll be late for 10 mins. reeeaally looking forwar =)"  
_Jamie smiled. "Never mind, me too =)" he texted back, leaving it open if he meant the looking forward- part or the being late-part. Truth be told he meant both of it, and he was more than relieved that Maura wasn't mincing. Her father and her sister being a police officer she knew how shifts couldn't always be ended properly – and with herself being a midwife, she was in that position even more often.  
As he left the station, Jamie had already forgotten about the caller.

The caller, however, had not forgotten. _Following the young police officer was so much easier now than it had been when he had tried to hide his steps – and even then she had managed to keep pace with him. It was not really hard work to stay behind him now, driving around happy and mindless._ She bit her lips not to cry. _There was only one reason for a man to behave that way: when he was seeing a woman. Jamie Reagan was on his way to another girl, and she was left alone in the shadows to watch._ Her fingers dug deep into the steering wheel but it was more out of a reflex than of disappointment. She had long stopped to be disappointed by him – it wasn't her job to judge him but to love him, and at the end of the day he would remember it. _He would remember how she was the only one to ever really cherish and adore and understand him, and how every path would lead him to her. She could wait for that day.  
If only it came soon…_


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm so sorry! It turned out to be twins!" Maura lifted her hands in what seemed a gesture of surrendering to nature. "I swear we never saw the second baby on the screen, but…" She checked her watch and the laughter faded. "Oh my god, Jamie, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize how long…"  
"It's okay! It's okay, you were needed" Jamie quickly interrupted, putting his hand over her wrist so she would not see it again. Forty minutes late.  
"How is the second baby?" He asked cautious, not letting go of her hand. Maura found her smile again. "It's perfect! Almost two inches shorter than her sister, but she's healthy. Thank God!" Her smile radiated out to Jamie and seemed to enlighten the whole street around the restaurant. He raised his glass. "So to the twins?"  
"To the twins! Thank you." Maura blushed. "I'm talking too much, ain't I?"  
"No." Jamie shook his head in sincere determination. It had been a long time since he had felt so comfortable with a girl. "Absolutely not."

She stayed in the shadows and watched her Jamie meeting a petite blonde girl with bright eyes and too wide a laughter_. Bitch_. When they finally left the place it was almost midnight. He brought the blonde home, and she didn't follow him this time but drove right to his own apartment. She knew the blonde's address as well, accidentally to be honest, but she knew it.  
She called him again when she broke the engine, and again was sent to the mailbox. _Okay. She had waited twenty-four years to find him, she wouldn't freak out because of two hours. And a bitch. She wouldn't. No._

After five hours, however, she felt blood running down her leg. It was only then that she realized she had cut open her skin with her bare hands and fingernails, digging deep into it. Blood. _How long had she been waiting? For a horrible moment she felt betrayed – had Jamie Reagan just overstepped his boundaries and would sleep with a girl he had only seen twice? On their first date? Could he have changed that much? What had time done to him, and was it her fault he was so different? She should never have let him go in the first place, she knew it, but right then it was the only thing to do. Too many people around. Too much life all around suddenly, and too many things to decide. But now she was ready, and she would not leave him alone again. And deep in her heart she knew he wouldn't sleep with the girl right now. He was too much gentleman for that.  
Her heart went out to him immediately. She would always love him, no matter how he behaved towards her. Though every new day without him ripped her apart she knew it would be worth the waiting in the end.  
Even if that meant that for now she had to stay in the car till morning._

"So how was your date?" Nicky smiled as she poured her uncle and herself a cup of coffee which he took only reluctantly. "Coffee now? Nicky, it's almost one in the morning. Shouldn't you go to bed now?"  
"No, I don't think so." The girl smiled brightly. "Mom didn't mention sleeping times."  
"Probably because she wants you to do exactly what you do when she's here."  
"But she's not! She's away with… dad." Nicky buried her face in her hands. "I don't know what to think about it, uncle Jamie. I thought I want them to be together again, but…"  
Jamie gently put an arm around his niece's shoulders. "It's hard with the two of them, isn't it?" The girl nodded and leant into the embrace. "I just want them to be happy" she whispered, "but I know them! They will kill each other one day!" She fought against the tears and lost, and for the next twenty minutes it was all Jamie could do to hold her. It hurt to see her devastated like that, especially because Jamie knew Erin had left the city with John in order to spare Nicky most of the chaos. He wasn't even sure what to think about it himself. Sure, when they had married he had liked John, had really liked him. But most of the others hadn't, and after the hell Erin had to go through in their time of divorce he had started disliking John, too. No man was worth bringing his sister in so much pain. He had never seen her so weak before, not even when their mother had died, and it had hurt more than anything to know that she wouldn't let him help her. No matter what they said she felt guilty for the breaking of her marriage, and would not accept any comfort. All she wanted from her family was to be there for Nicky, and so Jamie and Danny had taken turns in babysitting for a while.  
And now? It seemed as if all was forgotten. In the past few weeks Erin had spent much time with her ex-husband again, forced by business at the beginning, but then… well, she had sworn to love him forever once. And on that day she surely had meant it.  
"Uncle Jamie?" Nicky looked up with teary eyes, waking Jamie from his thoughts. "Thanks for staying here."  
"Of course, Nicky. That's what we're all here for, remember? We love you. And no matter how your parents behave, they love you, too. More than anything else. At least that's what always united them."  
Nicky tried a shaky smile. "But… can that be enough?"


	3. Chapter 3

The stalker stayed till dawn, falling asleep every now and then in the cold car. What had started as anger and uncertainty had become deadly fear now. _What if something had happened to him on the way back from… oh, say her name: Maura. The commissioner's secretary's baby sister, plain and boring and without having so much as stepped into a university's hall. No way had she kept him so long.  
But the other possibility was too bad to even think about it, and they didn't bring anything about an accident or a killing on the police channel, either. Of course, there was a rapist out on the streets and children were abducted, but what did she care for children and violation? She had only one heart to give, and it had been taken from her in a beat when she first had seen Jamie. When he had seen her just like she was, not the crazy stupid girl that wouldn't ever get a life – what other people wanted to see in her. He had seen the woman she was beneath all the madness and the pills. His girl. Forever. _

As the first rays of sun tried to warm her frozen fingers she gave up. _He would not come home before his shift started, there wasn't enough time left._ She knew his daily plan to the second, better than he did, actually – or so it seemed sometimes when she watched him running to his car and then driving faster than he should. It always made her smile to see him like that, in his struggle to be perfect. _He was. He was perfect, and he was hers. That made it even more perfect.  
And before he had been perfect for her he had already been perfect for his family. _The realization hit her so hard it made her throwing up onto the street. The pain in her head was returning, with more force than ever, but it didn't burn as much as her own stupidity. _Erin! She had left the city two days ago, and of course Jamie would take care of his niece.  
_A quick look to her watch, just like little Maura had done yesterday. _Just that she would use the time better than that bitch.  
Thirty-two minutes till Jamie started working. If she drove fast she would see him._

Jamie didn't notice the grey car following him. Actually he didn't notice anything outside, caught up in his thoughts. It had been almost half past two when Nicky had finally gone to bed, and another hour till he had found sleep himself on the couch. Now, though, he wished he wouldn't have slept at all for all the nightmares haunting him. Most of it was a blur of blood and cold and fear, with only some pictures popping out of the darkness. Strange pictures that didn't belong to reality, but were too strong to be only imaginary either. He had seen his mother bleeding to death and Joe getting hit by a truck. Both of them had screamed his name, and then had vanished to nothing, leaving him alone on a dusty road. When Jamie had followed the road it had led him to a cemetery where he found them again, lying under the grass, and there, beside them, was a new grave, freshly dug and no tomb in it yet. A few seconds later he knew why. John Boyle was trying to throw Erin into the grave, Erin who was fifteen years younger and pregnant with Nicky… no, not only Nicky. Right as John started to shove mud onto her she gave birth to twins, one almost two inches smaller than the other and with a familiar expression. He knew the face, it was a young woman he had helped in his first year. She had felt stalked, and nobody had believed her, but in the end she had been right and the stalker had turned out to be her own brother. Jamie didn't remember her name but he remembered her face as she realized that her brother had made her life hell. He himself had been shocked to death in that moment. Sure, sometimes he just wanted to shoot Danny to the moon, but this?

His cell woke him from his confused thoughts just as he reached the station. Jamie took a deep breath and tried to shut his head down. Renzulli always noticed when he wasn't fully concentrated, and since the sergeant wasn't his TO anymore, he only rarely had the chance to drive with him. He didn't want to spoil this day by what he had dreamt.  
It was a text message from Maura. "_Had a really great time yesterday. You're free this weekend? Xx_"  
Now that was a better start.  
When he looked at the cell protocol, though, Jamie couldn't avoid the feeling of awkwardness. The caller had tried to reach him again. Eleven times.


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you so much for the kind reviews! I really wasn't sure about this story at first… it's sooo good to see you like it. __ thanks_

"So how was it, Harvard, uh?" Renzulli shot his ex-rookie a smirk. "How was your date? You'll see her again?"  
Jamie shook his head, but the smile was already there. "I hope so."  
"Good. Hey, that's really good." The sergeant truly seemed to be pleased by the development."I almost feared you never got over… well, you know."  
Jamie looked down. "Yes, I know." A thought struck him. Sydney had come back from London, but he wasn't sure where she was living now – and maybe she didn't want him to know. It could have been her.  
" And after that, I mean…" Renzulli struggled for words, "I just want to say… the thing with that… that Samuels girl…" he pointed in Jamie's direction, "you could have lost your badge there, too, Reagan. You and women means trouble… at least for the first year. And I can tell you, it's not worth it. Crazy people aren't worth throwing your entire career away. You know what I mean?"  
Samuels, of course. Melissa Samuels. That had been her name. Jamie frowned. "What do you mean about Ms. Samuels?"  
"Oh, it's Ms. Samuels now?" The sergeant laughed. "Ms. Samuels. Oh, young hearts. I just hope you care more for your girl now. Whoa, look at that." He turned to the right. "I think we should ask that boy why he's wearing an oversized duffle coat in summer. And what he's carrying in that bottle." He parked and left the car before Jamie could ask more. For his girl now? What was he talking about? And again, why did he get to Melissa Samuels?

He remembered his nightmare, and suddenly the end of it became clear again: He had been at his sister's apartment, with Nicky crying on the sofa and two people fighting in the kitchen. But it wasn't John and Erin who were yelling at each other – as Jamie approached the kitchen he realized that it was him and Maura. He saw himself shouting at the young woman, hitting her, smashing a plate onto her head. Maura fell down, her lips moving but unable to speak. Her eyes were the only thing left alive, wide and beautiful and filled with pain. A single tear seemed to beg him for forgiveness, and then her eyes broke.  
As they shut, Jamie's eyes opened wide.

From her hiding place at the corner of the street she watched Jamie getting pale. _For a moment the police officer disappeared and left the cute little boy inside to take over. Though there was nothing she loved more than this boy, she knew it was dangerous for him to be that…vulnerable. People were bad. They hurt you as soon as they got the chance to do so. She couldn't have her Jamie hurt. _Taking a deep breath, she started walking towards the man who held her heart.

They cuffed the guy without really a problem – he was seventeen and drunk enough to actually having forgotten his own name. Renzulli did his best not to laugh at the youngster's behavior but failed miserably – till he noticed Jamie's silence.  
"Hey, Harvard, are you sure you're okay?"  
"Yes, sure. I'm… yeah." Jamie bit his lips. The memory still sat heavy on him and made him shiver despite the sunny day.  
"No you're not." Renzulli pushed the drunk onto a park bench and focused on the younger man. "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't lie to me anymore." He watched Jamie closely while casually hustling down the teenager. "You're not into a private investigation again, are you?"  
Jamie couldn't help but smile. "No, I'm not."  
"Thank God for that" Renzulli sighed. "So what's wrong with you?"  
Jamie looked at their prisoner, but it was obvious he wouldn't run away from them. He was snoring. "You really think we need to bring him to the station? Maybe we should just call his parents." "What, and leave that coat on without looking? What… did you learn nothing from me? Nothing?" The sergeant's voice got desperate. "Harvard, what-" He then stopped midsentence. "You're not trying to distract me, are you?" Another close look at Jamie, and then he nodded admiringly. "Okay. Okay, Harvard, you don't wanna tell me, it's fine. At least you seem to think before you act now." He yanked up the drunk. "Let's go."

Jamie bit his lips. He didn't want to give it too much attention, but… that caller was haunting him. That nightmare was haunting him. And what Renzulli had said about "his girl now" was haunting him as well. He hadn't allowed himself to think about it right after the first date, but now that Renzulli had mentioned it he couldn't shake the thought – Maura Baker, his girlfriend. He liked being with her, more even than he had anticipated. Maybe… maybe it would work. He wanted it to work.

"It's just…" He shook his head. Renzulli pushed the drunk into the car, leant against it and waited patiently.  
Jamie nodded. "It's stupid, I mean, really stupid."  
Renzulli snorted. "Since when does that stop you?" Then he got earnest again. "You're a good guy, Jamie. Really. And if that girl's only half as clever as her big sister she'll notice it. I know you're unsure after all your broken relationships, but…"  
"That's it, serge" Jamie interrupted, "what do you mean, relationships? I haven't been dating anyone since Sydney left me, where you get the plural from? And what is it about Melissa Samuels?"

_He had mentioned her name_. Melissa stopped dead, only five steps away, and felt her heart beating sunlight through her body. Her headache was killing her and almost brought her down to her knees, but her soul was soaring high. _He had said her name – so sweet a sound! She never had loved her name till he had tasted it. By speaking out her name Jamie had claimed her, and she had waited for him. Now her time had come._ Melissa took another step forward. _Flashes of pain shot through her forehead, it was hard to stay focused. But she didn't need to see it, actually. She only needed to hear it – needed to hear how Jamie was finally ready for her, for accepting the love she was giving to him, for being there for her and protect her. Finally he was ready to stand by her. She had longed for these words for more than a year, had followed him everywhere since that day he had driven her brother out. He had set her free, and now he was free, too.  
_Melissa closed her eyes and waited.


	5. Chapter 5

_Just a short chapter now, more to come soon!_

Renzulli smirked. "You… you weren't dating her after her case was done? For like… four weeks till you couldn't cope with her anymore and left? Never heard of that story?"  
"What? Jamie backed away. "No, serge, how… I'd never… she was a case, I mean… she needed our help and I helped her. We helped her. I… how did you…" He shook his head, feeling betrayed and guilty at the same time. And confused, now more than before. He knew he had made mistakes in his first year, and he knew he wasn't as good as Joe had been in his rookie year, but he had always assumed that in the end Renzulli was content with him. He had assumed the sergeant trusted him in the end.

"Hey, don't get that hurt puppy-eyes on you, Harvard. That won't work with me." Gruffly Renzulli cut into his former trainee's thoughts. He seemed uneasy with the situation suddenly. "Let's get that little dealer to the station. C'mon!" He started the engine as soon as Jamie had climbed into the car and drove off, faster than allowed. Jamie opened his mouth to ask but then decided to stay silent. He didn't want to do anything that would bring Renzulli against him even more, though he still didn't know what he had done in the first place.  
He had the strange suggestion that the sergeant wouldn't answer, anyway. They kept driving too fast, but no light switched on, and he checked the back mirror almost every second. Eventually Jamie gave up trying to get Renzulli's attention again. Their suspect wasn't really threatening, either, so he settled back and allowed his mind to wander back to happier moments.  
"_Had a really great time yesterday. You're free this weekend? Xx_" Jamie smiled at the memory. Then he realized he hadn't texted back yet, and the smile faded. What if he answered too late and she would make arrangements for the weekend without him? And would it be okay if he asked her to meet this evening, too?  
But then again, maybe he shouldn't. What could he offer Maura right now? Even his TO seemed to think he was sleeping with every girl he came across. She deserved more. The police deserved more, his family deserved more, hell – what had he done? Fists clenched Jamie tried to fight back the dark thoughts but the part of him that told him he had done nothing wrong was slowly brought down by the amount of voices against him. Renzulli. Danny, over and over again. John Boyle whom he had trusted and who had hurt his sister, and was now hurting Nicky. His mom and Joe, finally, dead. He knew there had been nothing to do against it, he knew neither of their death's was his fault. But the fact remained that they were dead, and he was alive. And right now he was sure that both of them would be far more capable of living than he was.  
"_Had a really great time yesterday_." – Yes, but this had been yesterday. Today was a new day and Jamie wasn't sure how to get on with it.


	6. Chapter 6

"I know you wouldn't" Renzulli said abruptly, once again cutting of Jamie's thoughts. He looked at his TO but Renzulli's eyes were still glued to street and mirror.  
"What…"  
"Look, I wouldn't have objected if you had been dating her. After we closed the case, at least. I mean she seemed to be a pretty nice girl. At least pretty. And a little bit… well you know. Stalked. By more than one thing." Another look back.  
Jamie had given up. "It's okay serge. I don't know where you got the idea from, but…"  
"No, Harvard, it's not okay!" Renzulli shouted, hitting the brakes so sudden that the drunk in the back rear woke up with a jar. "Don't you get it? That girl's after you!"  
"What?"  
"And I believed the rumours. I believed that… fuck!"  
Jamie stared at the older man. In all his days driving with Renzulli he had never heard the word "fuck" coming out of his mouth. It didn't sound right.  
"Serge…"  
"Oh, don't use that respectful tone on me, Jamie! I've done nothing to deserve that." It took a few moments for Renzulli to steady his breath, then he steered out and drove on as if nothing had happened. Jamie could see his anxiety, though, and the anger written all over his face. Anger and… fear? It was enough for him to push his own problems aside, anyway.  
"What's wrong?"  
"I… I'm sorry, Reagan. I really am."  
"You don't have to…"  
"I do and you stop interrupting me, okay?"  
"Okay."  
"Fine. Now… that Samuels. She came to the station one day, let's say… four weeks after you went to her and saved her from her brother. You do remember the case, don't you?"  
Jamie grinned weakly. "Yeah, I do."  
"Good. Well, being you had a day off I went to her, asking for what she wanted. And I said sorry for… you know, not believing her in the first place. She said it'd be okay and if it had been her in my place she wouldn't have believed it either, and… yeah. And when I told her you weren't there she said she knew it because she was on her way to seeing you and was just here to get your car keys cause you forgot them."  
"Car keys?" this time Jamie caught the sergeant's glance. The sorrow and guilt in them told him enough, but he couldn't quite believe it. "You gave her my keys?"  
"No of course not, what you think of me? Don't answer that. Anyway, I told her you could get your keys yourself and that sending a former victim over to do that was a bad habit I would punch out of you. And then she said…" Renzulli stopped at the station but didn't get out of the car. "I'm so sorry, Jamie."  
"Don't worry. Maybe she misunderstood things. Go on." Jamie forced himself to shuffle back the only thing that nowadays came into his mind when talking about Joe's car: The cut brake-hose that had almost cost his life. He had never found out who had done it, he had assumed it was one of the Templars, actually. It couldn't… no it couldn't be Melissa. Even if she had wanted more from him – she was a nice girl. She was alone and anxious but not crazy. He himself had proven that.

"She said you two were dating. And that she hoped it wouldn't get you into trouble somehow. So I told her it was okay, and that she shouldn't worry and I wouldn't mention it. And I asked her which car you drove just to make sure she wasn't lying and she pointed out your car. I believed her. I never talked to you about it because she had asked me not to it, and… a month later she came back and told me I needn't worry any longer because you weren't a couple anymore."  
"Couple" Jamie repeated confused. He did his best to think about a time when he had given Melissa anything to think that he was in love with her, but… there was nothing.  
"Yes." Renzulli nodded gloomily, then he got out of the car, leaving it to Jamie to drag their prisoner with him.

_She was a case…  
_Melissa didn't hear the police car driving away anymore. The pain in her head made it hard to breathe, but did it really matter? _She was a case…_  
Her hands were shaking. _Jamie… he had never… had he never? Was it all only in her head? _She shook that thought away, sending new rays of burning pain through her skull. If she had been able to eat anything in the past three days she would have thrown up, but there was nothing left. _She was alone, deserted even by her own body, deserted almost by time, too. Days._ That was what the doctors had given her four months ago. _Days_. She had already refuted them, had laughed into their faces as well as into death's.  
But then again she had been sure their time would come, and didn't they say that live could conquer even death? _Jamie would save her. And if he wasn't ready yet – if he still lied to the others, if he still called her a "case" – it wasn't his fault. It was hers, her body's fault for dying quicker than he could heal her.  
_Eventually Melissa managed to crawl away from the bushes she had been hiding under, and called a cab. _She had not much time left, no matter how hard she tried, she was fading, failing, and soon there would be nobody left to love Jamie, or to be loved by him. It was a cruel idea of life to punish him that way – taking away his mother, his brother, and now his soul mate, too. Then again – of course it was her fault. She hadn't dared fighting for Jamie in the first place, in Harvard, hadn't dared to believe that he was to be hers. So Jamie had fallen for Sydney, and- yes of course she had had to leave him in order for herself to get to him, but … it shouldn't have been this hard for Jamie. He had needed time to heal from this cut, and of course this healing time would now be taken off from the time he had with Melissa. And that meant that there was hardly any time left for the two of them. She couldn't have that time stolen from her as well, not this time. These days she would let nothing stand in her and Jamie's way, nothing and nobody. They belonged to each other, there was no one Melissa could ever love, and how should Jamie feel differently? She was a case, oh yes of course. That was how it had started. But it wouldn't end that way, with her being only a victim and him being her knight, fighting for her but not showing it. No, not this time. She would give him the chance to prove his love for her, once and for always, till death would part them only for a short time. _


	7. Chapter 7

The cab stopped in front of one of the skyscrapers recently built, massive and safe and somewhat affordable even for little nurses like Maura. Melissa's hands were still shaking as she rang the bell. It wasn't that she didn't understand Maura. _Oh she did, and if destiny hadn't obviously had her hands in this game from the beginning, maybe she would have fought the battle for Jamie in a fair way. But destiny had spoken, and it had told Melissa to keep Jamie. She couldn't let Maura stand in her way like she had done with Sydney.  
She couldn't let Maura live._

Jamie leant at his locker, his eyes closed. Renzulli had sent him home half an hour ago, but he couldn't bring himself to leave the building. With all he had heard today, no matter that most of it didn't make sense at all, somehow the station seemed to be the safest place to be right now.  
And he needed to talk to Renzulli again before he left, making sure he was okay – it hurt Jamie that with all the sergeant had taught him and how often he had saved his life he should feel bad now because of a mistake he had made concerning his rookie. Renzulli was a good cop but he was in no way a good actor and the regret Jamie had seen in his eyes, the guilt bringing the older man down was real. So at least he had one person believing him now. It was a bit scary, though, to see how much power Melissa had had over the sergeant. Telling him something compromising and then asking him not to tell anybody. Surely Renzulli had kept his word, and had kept the secret even from Jamie. But how many of his colleagues had seen her, too? And had they heard any of it or worse, had they spread the word? Rumors were rare in the 12th, with most of the stuff being male and many being happily married. He couldn't blame any of his colleagues if they had used the image of him and Melissa for creating new bed stories. And it wasn't as if she wasn't attractive.

It just never had occurred to Jamie to see her as a woman.

Suddenly the station felt the least safe place and Jamie decided Renzulli would also be okay if he talked to him the following morning. He left without a single word to anybody, without even as much as looking at his colleagues. What if word had spread up to his dad? What if his whole family was assuming he had slept with a victim? Surely Danny would have talked about it?  
Jamie stopped dead. The tears he was fighting for the last hour were slowly winning the battle against his tired eye lids. He tried to remember his family's reactions to him telling about the date he'd have with Maura. They had all seemed happy enough, happy he finally had found someone… or just happy he had stopped seeing Melissa?  
How could that name wind itself into his mind so naturally? How could it be that after almost one year of not thinking about the woman or her case at all she was haunting both his night and his day now?

With shaking hands Jamie eventually stopped the car. He got out and dialed for Danny when he realized where he was, where his subconscious had brought him to.  
Melissa Samuel's house.


	8. Chapter 8

_Okay… till the end of this chapter, I had written this to be a one-shot. So from now on updates may come slower since I have no finished material left and first need to write it. I'll try to get on with it asap. As always, thank you for reading and reviewing so far! You really make my days!_

_He was home_. Melissa forgot the knife she was holding, forgot the woman in front of her as her cell bleeped. It was connected with her camera at home, programmed to filter the faces and check them for similarities to him… _and there he was. He was home. Great god he was coming home to her, and she wasn't there! She wasn't there… _  
"You!" Wildly Melissa spun around, the knife dancing dangerously close to Maura's throat. "You again! You keep him from me even now!"  
Maura held the furious look the crazy woman cast at her – not that she could do anything else right now, gagged and bound to her bed. Despite her small and slim figure Melissa was stronger than the young midwife, and she seemed to know Maura's apartment as if she herself had lived there. Or stalked it since the very first time Jamie and Maura had met, almost three months ago.

_It was a sunny day, the first in two weeks of rain – detective Abigail Baker had prayed every night for the weather to improve for this very special date. It wasn't only the annual graduation from the academy but also Frank Reagan's birthday they celebrated. These two festivities had never before fallen onto the same date, and the expectations people had for these days were pretty high. At least, the expectations Abigail had were very high, and since she was the main responsible party it had almost brought her down.  
As Jamie, Danny, Linda and the boys reached the festivity area everything except for the benches and the food was ready. They found detective Baker sitting on the lawn with a glass of champagne in her hand and an exhausted but proud smile on her face – and next to her a young pretty woman that obviously was closely related to her. She, too, smiled, less proud but with more love, and her smile wasn't meant for the party arrangements around her but for Abigail – and as the family greeted them it radiated out to Jamie, too. He didn't let go of her hand till Danny elbowed him away, chuckling. "Hi, Maura. I'm Danny, and the kid that just tried to squeeze your hand to jelly's my little brother Jamie. Nice to meet you."  
Whatever Maura answered at this vanished in the gush of rage that washed over Jamie. He had almost got used to Danny mocking him in his rookie days, but since he had succeeded his first year he had hoped it would improve. Wrongly thought. Danny was worse than ever – but this was disgusting, even for him. Jamie took one of the wooden benches and carried it away, without really knowing where to put it. He had to get away from Danny, now, or he would hit him – hit him so hard that he would fall down right at Maura's and Abigail's feet, bleeding. He was a police officer, a brother to Danny in more than one way now. He had proven his worth, hadn't he? And he would start to work undercover in two days – this could be the very last time he spent a sunny happy day with his family. Why did Danny always feel the need to destroy it?  
"Uhm… could you place it just a little bit more to the left? I'm afraid people will fall into the pool if you keep it here." Jamie spun around. Maura stood next to him, pointing at the bench he still clung to. Jamie blushed. "Yeah. Yeah sure." He stared at his hands as he followed her bidding, desperately thinking about what to say so she wouldn't think of him as of a complete idiot.  
"Abbs says you brought down a secret company inside the force all on your own." Maura's voice was still friendly but a little shy now, as if she wasn't sure this was a good topic to start a conversation with. Which indeed it wasn't.  
"They killed my brother" was all Jamie could say, feeling guilt washing over him just as hot as the rage had done before. He had already lost Joe, why did he always fight with Danny, too? Why couldn't they just get along with each other?  
"Sorry" Maura interrupted, "I didn't want to raise this memory, I'm… I'm very sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine…" she shook her head as if even the mere thought was frightening her "living without my sister."  
"You're pretty close." Jamie managed a smile though he felt more like crying now.  
"Yes, luckily we are. Though I have to admit… when she told me she was going to be a police officer I didn't talk to her for a whole week." Maura bit her lips and for a very short second she reminded him of Sydney. Jamie closed his eyes. "Why is that?"  
"Because when we were young we both decided to be agents! You know, like… James Bond." Maura laughed, embarrassed by her own words. "When I was thirteen I realized that these dreams were… well, just not to be true. I thought about different ways of life, about other jobs that sounded cool, and buried that dream, fantasy, however you may call it. Anyway, two weeks after I had decided to give up Abbs told me she was going to go to the academy. And I was like… why the hell did I have to bury my dream and she kept following it?" She bit her lips. "Sorry. You really must think…"  
"I know what you mean" Jamie quickly interrupted. He wasn't sure if he really understood, but he didn't want her to stop talking. Somehow listening to her made his hands stop shaking. Maura smiled shyly. "Thank you." She swallowed. "I was very afraid at first. I mean yes we all can die every second from a heart attack, I know, but – it's still different. I had to get used to it before I really learnt to… appreciate it."  
From behind them Abigail's voice was heard. "Maura? I need your help!"  
"Coming!" she called back.  
Jamie bit his lips. "You said… appreciate?"  
"Appreciate, admire, adore… choose what sounds best. Now I'm just… I'm still worried every day, though I know that she's working mostly in a bureau – thanks to your father. But I'm also… I'm incredibly proud of my big sister, you know? She's dedicating her whole life to other people. That's… that's just great. And what you do… Jamie… it's also great. And brave. No matter what your brother may say." She smiled again and shyly touched Jamie's arm, then quickly walked away before he could answer anything.  
Worry. Jamie sighed. That was the first excuse his dad had used for Dannys behavior, too. He couldn't handle losing another brother. Well, but was this the way to keep your brother close to you? He definitively preferred the way Maura acted towards her sister. And to him. Jamie smiled. Not even Danny was able to ruin this day anymore._

"You…" The knife almost dropped as a new wave of pain shot through Melissa's head and washed over her whole body. Not much time left.


	9. Chapter 9

For Maura, the short moment was enough. She kicked at her abductor's knee, causing her to collapse with pain. It wasn't easy to walk glued to a chair but she managed it somehow. Twelve steps from living room to the door. Maura didn't dare to look back at Melissa but she heard her gasping with pain. A tiny voice inside of the midwife cried out with sympathy and told her to do her duty and help the woman, but for once Maura decided that it was okay to walk away from someone suffering. She could call for an ambulance once she was out of here.  
Once she had escaped from her own home.  
The door was locked. Maura stopped dead. Her keys were in the bedroom, Melissa had never been there, how could she… it was only then that she realized why she hadn't heard the intruder coming. This woman had keys to her apartment. She had the keys to walk in and out of Maura's home.  
What composure she had retained till now broke down at that conclusion. The tears she had held back started to roll down, and for one second even the thought of flight vanished. It was this second Melissa had needed to recover. Maura felt a hard blow on her head before the world went dark.

Melissa sat down next to her prisoner, breathing heavily. She wasn't sure what to do next – _it was too risky to drive home with Maura in the car. But she couldn't do nothing with Jamie still at her door. And he was. He was still standing at the door, peering through the glass ornaments. He didn't go inside, though – her sweet prince in shining armor, pretending not to know how he should open the door. Did he really not know she had hid the keys to her house in his locker three months ago? At least – she hoped it was his locker. It had looked like it could belong to Jamie. She had thrown some other things into other lockers and in the locker room, just to check the reactions. So far, almost every time she had placed anything there, at the next morning she had heard the cops talking about it. But never about the keys. They had found their owner.  
And Jamie was soon to belong to her completely. Once she got the blonde out of the way._ Melissa hit her victim again to make sure she wouldn't wake up so quickly. _If only her headache would cease that easy!  
_A new movement on the cell stopped her brooding. Jamie was taking out his own cell phone. He was going to call her! Melissa jumped up with excitement. _He was calling her! He was ready after all, he was, it was only Renzulli's fault – that fat old man who always stuck his nose into everything. No wonder he hadn't been able to trust him. It had been stupid from her to trust the guy, thank God Jamie hadn't talked about it with him! It would be perfect from now on. They would be together forever, and even if forever lasted only for days, it would be perfect. She just had to make sure Jamie would not kill himself after losing her. He needed to be alive, he was so good – and the life he would have with Melissa would completely turn him into an angel. Then he would be an angel on earth, and she would be his angel in heaven, and wait for him. A perfect life. It had peeked over the horizon when Jamie had entered her world, and she had grabbed that ray of light. Now her day had come.  
Maybe she wouldn't even have to kill Maura, after all. _

A phone rang. It was Maura's.

Melissa forgot how to breathe. This could not be true. _He couldn't be calling that bitch, he couldn't, he did betray her, and she had known it, had known it from the first time, he was a devil trying to bring hell onto earth for her last days! She had known it. Always. From the first time she had looked at him -  
_she shook her head so violent that a new wave of pain fired through her head. Melissa didn't fight the urge to throw up anymore. Bile, vodka and morphia landed on the floor around her and bedaubed Maura's shoes.  
Maura.  
Before the ringing had stopped, Melissa had made her decision. Or – _destiny had decided for her. It had been wrong before when it had told her to believe in Jamie's love, but now it held the right answer. Melissa grinned, the corners of her lips shaking with exhaustion. Jamie Reagan wanted the bitch, more than he had ever wanted her.  
Poor Maura Baker. Jamie had just sentenced her to death._


	10. Chapter 10

"Danny? Can we… can we talk?" Jamie bit his lips. He wasn't really sure how to begin, he wasn't even sure what he wanted to talk about – how much should he tell Danny? What did he know about the whole Melissa-story? What should he know?

"Yeah, sure, kid. Let's talk. What's wrong?" Danny sounded alarmed at once, and Jamie couldn't help but smile. It was good to know that his big brother had his back, no matter what would happen. Maybe even if… the smile faded. Jamie sighed – and finally left the Samuel's house. What had he done there, anyway? No matter what had happened exactly, Melissa had ended it. Maybe it was just her way to get on with her life. And the day had been hard enough without another one to fight with.  
"Jamie? Come on, talk to me! You said we should talk."  
"Yes, I… but… maybe it's better if I tell you personally…"  
"Okay, Jamie, tell me what's happened!" Now Danny was really worried. "Hey, are you hurt? Did you kill somebody?"

Reluctantly, Jamie had to laugh. "No, I'm not! Danny, what's wrong with you? That's pessimistic even for you." Then it was his turn to worry. "Is everything alright with Linda and the boys?"  
"Yes, yes, they're fine." Danny sighed, then his voice came back, much lower now: "Jamie I don't even know if I'm supposed to tell you this, but… there's something going on in your precinct." "What do you mean, going on?" "I mean, like… at first they thought it was a bad joke, but now… you remember the Third Street-rapist? We think that… maybe…" Jamie waited for two minutes, but Danny wouldn't go on. "What do you think? Danny?"  
"I hate to say that, Jamie" and in every syllable his hate was heard, "we think it could be… a cop."

"What? A cop?" "Jamie, shut up! I told you I shouldn't have told you!" Again a pause on the phone.  
"Sorry, Danny. I didn't mean to… but you know that this is crazy, right? I know those guys. There's nobody who… nobody, okay?" Jamie felt his own problems vanish at the threat against colleagues. By now he knew all of them, and not everyone was his friend, but he could imagine working with everyone. He would trust everyone with his life.  
"What happened to make you believe it was one of us?" – One of us. Jamie heard Danny sigh at these words, but they were true. If the 12th was suspected, Jamie was, too. These men were his family in a way.

As Danny started to speak again, however, it was more pride than frustration in his voice. And sorrow. "We found something… some kinds of trophies the guy could have collected. Some were stored in lockers, some were lying around in the room… this has been going for weeks, actually. And till now we didn't really know what to make out of it, but now…"  
"Why didn't I know anything of this?"  
"Because your chief didn't want to make it public. And as I said, we thought and he thought it would be a joke. At first. But it seems like most of the things belong to raped women, washed and cleared of any DNA."  
"Danny, that…"  
"That doesn't make sense, yes, I know, thank you very much. But the last item to be found were some keys. They were found five days ago by officer… Vinny Cruz as he cleared his locker. What do you know about that guy?"  
"Cruz? Uhm… not much. We've paired up with him and his TO some times last year, but since then I haven't seen him too often. I mean… there's no rumors going on about him, so…" His voice trailed off. Jamie held his breath. Would Danny take the hint? His mouth went dry.  
"Rumors?" The detective laughed. "Jamie, please don't tell me you're listening to rumors! This job is dangerous enough out on the streets, once you start thinking about what's said about you inside the force, you're gonna kill yourself!"  
Jamie swallowed heavily. "You mean there are… rumors about… everyone?" Automatically he looked around. Somehow the houses on the street seemed to stare at him. _You've disappointed Melissa, they said. You made her believe you loved her, and you wanted to sleep with her, and then you let her down.  
_It wasn't true, he hadn't done anything wrong, but he couldn't shake the guilt that was creeping into him. Jamie quickly got into his car. "Danny?"  
"Yeah, kid. Nothing more to say. What's the matter?" Danny sounded irritated and Jamie realized that he just had been too caught up in his own thoughts to hear his brother's answer. He slammed his fist at the steering wheel. What had Danny just said? Were there rumors?  
This day was driving him crazy. With slightly shaking hands Jamie started the engine and drove off, he didn't really know why. He didn't dare to ask Danny to repeat his words, what good would it do?


	11. Chapter 11

_Thank y'all for reading and reviewing! You know how to make a girl happy _

"Jamie? What is bothering you?" Danny's voice was unusually soft, as if he felt the panic that slowly took the better of Jamie.  
"I… I…" Jamie took a deep breath before he parked the car again, just two blocks away from Melissa's house. "Sorry, I didn't get what you just said."  
"Okay, fine… I said there are rumors at every time about everyone, everywhere. And you're a Reagan, that makes it worse. So far… what I heard about you is you're a bookwise knight in shining armor, unable to punching women even if they're criminals. You're spending three hours a day in the bathroom and only half an hour in the gym, so every power you got in your arms comes from holding the mascara brush." Jamie could swear he was hearing Danny's smirk through the phone. "So far nothing I didn't know before. Honestly, Jamie, you've gotta stand over those things. They're stupid, and they will stop with time. By the way this was the worst I've ever heard about you, and that's pretty much nothing against what Joe and I got in our first years. Actually I stick with some of my bad reputation till today."

"I bet you do" Jamie sighed with relief. If that was the worst thing it really wasn't that bad. He had heard the same things when he had started the academy, they weren't meant insulting. He had learnt it then that sometimes you need to talk about your comrades, and you can't be fair to them all the time. Nobody could expect that.  
"Thanks, Danny. See you on Sunday, right?"  
"Wait, wait, wait, Jamie, why are you so curious?" Danny hadn't left detective-mode, and especially not big brother-mode. "What is bothering you? And don't tell me it's nothing because I know it is."  
"It is nothing, Danny, really, it's… nothing to worry about, at least."  
"You sure?" Danny definitively wasn't. "Jamie you know there is nothing you can't tell me about, right? And with nothing I don't mean what you're hiding right now, I mean – I'm here for you, kid. Always. And if you've screwed up and don't want the world ever to know it, I'm still here. And I won't tell nobody. You can trust me with everything, kid, and no matter what it is I will not let you down. You know that, right?"  
Jamie smiled. "I know, Danny. Thank you." He suddenly realized that he hadn't seen his brother for the last two weeks. He missed him. "You got time for a beer after work? Let's say…around nine?"  
It was only half past two, and Maura had said she was only working till noon every Wednesday, so probably they could meet for a coffee or something.

"Yes, sounds good. And then you will tell me?" Danny wouldn't let go. Shaking his head, Jamie smiled. "Yes, of course. See you then."  
"Okay, kid. See you." Danny's voice was still filled with warmth as he hung up. As always on a working day Jamie sent a prayer to heaven to keep his brother safe down there. He wasn't sure he ever wanted to admit it, but since he had finished his rookie year he admired Danny more than ever. Now that he knew how hard he worked.  
He owed him more than a confession in vino veritas. Jamie dialed the number again but landed on mailbox at once. He closed his eyes. "Hey, Danny, it's me again. I just wanted to say that… I only asked about the rumors before because Renzulli told me that… there were rumors about me and a former victim – Melissa Samuels - dating for a month. It seems like she invented it and then called it off, I don't know why she did it, but… there's nothing to it. I mean she's a pretty nice girl, and I'm really glad I helped her. Against Renzulli's will, way back then. I didn't know she was kind of falling in love with me. And I guess that after a while she realized it wasn't true. I just…wanted you to know that. See you later."

Sighing he put down the cell only to take it up again a second later. Time to call Maura. He felt his heart leap at the thought.  
"Hi, this is Maura."  
"Hey, Maura,it's me. . Uhm…" He cursed the butterflies that sent not only his stomach but also his brain spinning around. "Listen, I know this is earlier than the weekend, but…"  
"I'm really sorry not to be able to pick up right now, but please leave me a message and I will call you back soon. Have a nice day!"  
The butterflies fell down as if each of them weighed a ton. Jamie swallowed. He was astonished how much it disappointed him to have reached the mailbox. Without leaving a message, he hung up. The day seemed entirely grey now.  
Should he go home? He could need a couple of hours of sleep. Or maybe he should check on Nicky again. But then, as far as he knew, Linda would pick her up to take her to her and Danny's in the evening, so maybe he shouldn't spoil her only three hours alone.

Anyway, driving around would not do it. Jamie got out of his car and just started to walk, trying to enjoy the sight of the city he was born and raised in, and that he had sworn to protect. He didn't enjoy it. Vinny Cruz, Melissa Samuels and Maura Baker weren't a good mixture to sit around in his head – especially because Maura sat in stony cold silence. Had he done something wrong?  
Stop it, Jamie commanded himself. No one said she doesn't want to talk with you. She probably just wasn't near her phone.


	12. Chapter 12

_Okay, sorry…this is very short. I hope you'll still like it. _

Maura was near her phone, actually – she just didn't hear it ring through the blood that was slowly crusting in her ear.  
Melissa didn't hear it, either, she had crouched down in the living room, burying her head in her hands. _So it hadn't been Jamie calling the bitch, it had been her older sister. Bitch as well. Poor bitches, both of them, to have fallen for Reagan men._ Melissa was just glad to be over that. _Life was too short to spend it with – with soft brown eyes and a gentle voice and the attitude of being good and wanting to help, and strong arms that would carry her away and…  
_"No!" As always, rage was the best way to defeat the pain. Melissa scrambled up and to the phone she now heard ringing. _She couldn't let herself get caught by him that easily, not again, not again!_

As she reached her still unconscious victim Melissa almost felt pity for her. _She wasn't that bad, really. She had let her come in. And could Melissa blame another woman for making the same mistake she had made? Both of them had confused a demon with an angel. She should be merciful with the poor creature on her floor.  
_Then she checked the caller protocol. _Jamie R._  
With tears of rage in her eyes, Melissa laughed so hard she almost choked on it. Maura came to her senses just in time to see her abductor smashing the cell onto the ground. "Again!" the crazy girl screamed, "again, Jamie Reagan! Thank you for reminding me of your evil! Again! You have spoken and I shall obey, you're happy now?"

Melissa's smile grew even wilder as she saw Maura moving. _Time for the next but oh so not last step. _Almost gently she pulled her weakened victim closer, till their noses almost touched. Maura did her best to focus, and as if to make her more comfortable, Melissa loosened the towel in her mouth so she could speak.  
Maura gasped. "Thank you. Thank you. And now, please, why are you doing this to me? What have I…"  
"Shhh, don't, don't." Melissa's voice was as sweet as the poisoned apple. "Listen, Maura, you have to understand I didn't come here to talk. I came here because you got what I always wanted. A kiss!" And with that she kissed Maura's lips, looking for the taste of Jamie on them. Somewhere on this bitches' mouth must be a taste of Jamie Reagan, and she needed it, angel or demon or devil, she didn't care. Hungrily she bit into the soft skin till Maura gasped with pain, then let go. Both their mouths were red with blood.  
"Please… please…" Maura cried, but Melissa only smiled as she took the knife hidden in her sleeve and stabbed Maura in the back till she stopped moving.


	13. Chapter 13

"Hey, Jamie" Erin sounded distressed.  
"Bad time?"  
"No. No, it's… fine." She sighed. Jamie felt his own protective mode jump in. Erin was ten years his senior, and all through their childhood she had been the one he could turn to when Danny was a jackass and Joe wanted to impress his brother too much. She had helped him through his first tests in Harvard, too, and – pretty much through everything he ever asked her help for. Still, since he had graduated as a cop, he felt like he had to protect her – Erin was good in her job because she was so hard to herself, their dad had said, but this being hard didn't do her any good. Sometimes Jamie was afraid his big sister had lost every happiness in life, or even the will to find it. He had hoped John would help her out of this, but now… it seemed like he had only made it worse.  
"Is there anything I can do for you?"  
This now made Erin laugh. "Thank you, Jamie. No you can't. Just stay like you are, okay?"  
"O…kay." Jamie raised his eyebrows. This was not good. He had learnt that the prouder Erin was of people around her, the less she thought of herself. Always she had compared herself to others, and this comparison seldom ended good for her – a heritage of their mother. And sometimes Jamie feared she had passed it on to Nicky, too.  
"How's Nicky? You've been with her yesterday, right?" Speaking of the sun.  
Jamie sighed. He didn't want to add up to Erin's obviously dark mood, but he didn't want to lie to her either. "She's worried about you and John. She thinks you'll only hurt each other, and that your both loving her will not be enough for your getting happy together again."  
"Oh my god!" For a moment, Erin seemed at the verge of crying. "She told you that?"  
Jamie knew what his sister was talking about. Nicky was a good girl and would be a real wonderful woman once, but right now she was… a teenager. Teenager aren't easy, and they don't talk about everything, especially not with adults. It meant a lot if Nicky shared her thoughts so easily.  
Then of course, Jamie wasn't just an adult – he was her favorite uncle, the one closest to her in age – well, apart from her cousins.  
"Yes, she did. But it was past midnight and… she was tired and…"  
"Jamie, stop it!" Erin's voice was sharp, but it wasn't meant for him and he knew it.  
"It's not your fault, you know."  
"It is. And I have no idea how to solve it." Jamie could almost see his sister throwing her hands up in frustration. "I want nothing more than coming home, and on the other hand I know I can't leave here till in know what I want with or without… John, and so I… I just… I don't know, Jamie. I don't know what to feel anymore. I sit in front of a case I've been working on for the last fourteen years and still don't know how to handle it." She sighed. "What does that say about me?"  
"It says you should come home" Jamie said firmly, a knot in his throat, "this is not a case, Erin, it's your life. It's okay to have second thoughts and doubts about it – look at me, right?" He waited for a laughter that didn't come.  
"We miss you, sister. Fourteen years is a long time, and the mere fact that you're fighting for yours – that you're not giving up – that's incredibly brave, and I love you for it. But life changes and people change, and… there's nothing you have to be ashamed of." Jamie heard Erin gasping and knew he had hit a nerve. She was so proud. Smiling, he added, "we're family, Erin. You know what you told me when Nicky was born and I was only twelve and afraid that you would forget about me? You said I would always be your baby brother, and how glad you were that I was born right the way I would always be little for you but big and strong for Nicky. You said that no matter how many kids you would get, the part I hold of your heart would always be mine. We will never not be proud of what you've achieved, Erin. And we miss you. Nicky doesn't need a perfect settled state attorney who's got control over everything, she needs a mother. She needs you, Erin. We all do."  
Now Erin cried. "Thank you, Jamie", she sobbed, "and I'm still glad you're little for me. But truth be told you're also wiser than me." She cried a little more, a strong sign also for her to it in front of everyone.

"So how about you?" Jamie smiled at the sudden change of topic. "I heard you had a date like… yesterday...? How is Baker's sister? Must be a strong kind of woman."  
"She is." Jamie's smile got wider and he felt the butterflies rising again at the mere memory of the evening. "She's strong and beautiful and funny and clever, and she's one of the best people I've ever known. It was wonderful yesterday. It's like we're on the same level somehow, I… I didn't really think about what I was saying, it was just… really wonderful."  
"I see." Erin's mood had changed completely, though Jamie wasn't too sure if it was entirely real. "You're pretty in love, little brother."  
"Am I already? Isn't that too fast?"  
"Did you just listen to yourself?" This time, Erin's laughing was real. "Jamie, you're totally into that girl. I just hope you won't regret it."  
Embarrassed silence. "I'm sorry, Jamie. I didn't mean to…"  
"I know." Jamie swallowed down the quick rush of anger. "Thanks for your sorrow. I just –" He stopped as his cell rang. _Maura_.  
"She's just calling me!"  
"Then hang up on me and get it!" Erin sounded as excited as he felt. "Come on, Jamie! Talk to her."  
"You're sure?"  
"Yes, I am. I'll be fine." Her voice got soft. "Thank you for everything, Jamie. Nicky couldn't have wished for better godfathers than Joe were and you are."  
Jamie swallowed, his enthusiasm broken for a second. "Yeah."  
"Get the call!"

Jamie took a deep breath before he hit the button. "Hey, Maura. How are you?"  
A cracking was heard. Jamie silently cursed his cell. "Maura? Can you hear me?"  
Another cracking, rumbling, and suddenly Jamie's heart stopped. Gasping.  
"Maura? Are you alright?" Breathless himself, Jamie listened for another sign of life.

There was none.


	14. Chapter 14

_Thank you so much for all the reviews! :D Hope you like this chapter as well. I don't know when the next chapter'll be ready, I hope I can update on Friday, but I'm not sure._

"I… I think there's an emergency, 47th street, door 51" both Jamie's voice and the hand holding the cell were shaking as he drove through the city, heart beating frantically in his throat, ice in his stomach. Every single picture from his nightmare had woken up again. Joe, his mother, Erin – dead. Nicky scared on the sofa and Maura… dying because of a plate thrown at her head. He had killed her. Jamie dropped the cell to hold on to the steering wheel with both hands. She had to be okay. It was a mistake, it had to be… he had killed her.  
But he hadn't done anything, what could have happened? How could anything bad happen to a person like Maura?

Then again, he knew enough stories about good people who suffered for no reason. Good people who got killed somehow, without having done anything wrong. Joe, his mother, Erin.  
Jamie halted the car abruptly. The ambulance was already there. The sight of the big vehicle should calm him down but it only alarmed him more. The door was old, like the rest of the house – Jamie piled it open and ran up the stairs like he had never run before. The picture of Maura going down in blood and fear got overwhelming. _Please not her_, he prayed silently, _please don't take her! Take me_.

When Jamie reached the apartment the paramedics were already packing. There was nothing left to do. Maura Baker lay bathed in her own blood, pale and cold as snow. "Someone call the police?" "I just did, they should be here in five minutes. Hey, hey!" One of the men had noticed Jamie. He stood up, hands held up in a calming gesture. "Sir, do you know that woman? Did you just call us?"

Jamie didn't answer, he didn't even really understand the words the guy before him spit out. Maura. She was so beautiful and so strong and nice and funny and clever and… dead. It took him a minute to realize that the strange sound he was hearing was his own broken laughter. Funny how he could laugh when he had just forgotten how to breathe. Maura. All he wanted to do was to get her off the cold floor and hug her, hold her so close that nobody could get near her… again his nightmare reappeared in his mind. Maura, bathed in blood, her eyes begging for forgiveness.

"Sir? Did you call us? Sir, we need you to stay here till the police arrives!"  
Jamie backed away from the noise. "I killed her" he stammered, "I killed her."  
The paramedic nodded sympathetically, understanding that the young officer was in shock. "Okay, sir. Would you just sit down and we'll talk about this later. Alright? Guys, get her ready for transporting. No need to leave her on the floor like that."  
When a grey blanket was pulled over Maura's tortured, dead body, Jamie finally started to cry. "No! No, don't, she loves the sun, she…"

A phone rang somewhere, and again it took Jamie a moment to realize it was his.  
His cell phone. His stalker.  
Someone who wanted him so badly he would… follow him… spread wrong information about him…

_Melissa_.

Jamie didn't bother looking at who was calling him now.  
He had been there, he had just been there while Melissa had been… here. At Maura's apartment.  
Killing the most wonderful, pretty, clever, warmhearted woman Jamie had ever known.

"Sir?"  
But Jamie was already half down the stairs. It had to be Melissa. And she had killed Maura because Jamie had dated her. He was shaking so badly he almost couldn't get the engine on. It was as if he himself had killed her. Just like he had done in his nightmare.  
Tears made it difficult to see anything, but he didn't care anymore.

It couldn't be. She couldn't be dead. Not Maura! Not… Baker's sister. How should she live without her now? How could Melissa have done that? How could she have ended this precious life so soon, so ruthless?

It didn't matter. Eventually the tears dried, but Jamie was still shaking. With rage now, not with grief anymore. At least not so much.  
She would pay. Melissa Samuels would pay for what she had done, he would make her pay, he would make her realize what she had done to Maura! He would hurt her as she had hurt Maura – the girl who had made the deadly mistake of dating him.

"Oh shit. Damn it." Danny shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment. That hit too close to home. Maura Baker, poor girl. He had seen her only once, but she had seemed nice enough. She was Abigail's sister, for crying out loud, that almost made her part of the family. And even if not, she wouldn't have deserved something like that. Nobody deserved to get stabbed in his own home.  
Worst thing, however, was that Jamie had been out with her yesterday. And no matter how the evening had been, he knew his little brother would be deeply affected by the girl's death. "God" Danny felt his face getting hot, a sign for his professionalism cracking. He wiped over his face.  
"Everything okay?" Jackie watched him closely. It had been a long time since she had seen her partner that upset. Last time was when they had heard of Jamie running into the fire to save a baby. "Did you know her?"  
"My dad's secretary's baby sister" Danny murmured. "She's barely twenty-five. And she was a really nice girl."  
"Of course! That Baker…" Jackie frowned. "It's one thing to be ready to die on duty, but another thing to let your loved ones get in the line of fire for the sake of the job."  
"Exactly." Danny stood up and took his cell out. He didn't want to tell Jamie about the sad news, but it better be him than a stranger. If his little brother would pick up at least! This was the third time he had tried to reach Jamie, but in vain.  
"Do you want me to call Detective Baker?"  
"No, no I owe her to tell her personally." Danny sighed. "Jamie doesn't pick up."  
"Probably sleeping. Wait!" Jackie ran to the window and shouted down to the street where the paramedics were just getting ready to drive back. After a moment of yelling she came back, worried.  
"They say there was a young handsome guy running up the stairs, clearly getting in shock as he saw the corpse, murmuring something about he killed her, then his cell rang and he ran away before they could stop him. They say he was probably the guy who called for the ambulance."

Danny closed his eyes. "Jamie."  
"Sounds like him, uh?" Jackie looked at Danny sympathetically. "Any idea where he is?"  
Out of reflex Danny shook his head but then stopped. In his mind he went through the conversation he had had with his brother only forty minutes ago. There had one name been popping up – a girl claiming to be Jamie's girlfriend. She was known as psychologically unstable, and now Jamie's new girlfriend-to-be was dead.

"Please not." Danny buried his face in his hands, then got up and almost ran down the stairs, like his brother had done before. Gesturing to the three remaining officers to wait for the coroner, Jackie followed her partner and got into the car just in time. "What's wrong? Where are we going? Your father's office is in the other direction!"

"Detective Baker has to wait" Danny declared through clenched teeth. Jackie stared at him. "Her little sister is dead and you want to keep her waiting? What's more important than telling that poor woman she can stop calling Maura now?"  
"Maura's dead" Danny whispered and Jackie bit back the words she held on her tongue as she saw the pain on Danny's face. "Now I need to stop Jamie from getting hurt himself!"  
"Okay. And where are going?"  
"Melissa Samuels."


	15. Chapter 15

_Not really happy with this chapter, it didn't flow like the previous ones did… I'd like to promise you that the next will be better again, but I guess I can't. I'll do my best_

Melissa lay on the white carpet of her living room, just like Maura had done when she had left her.  
She knew Jamie would find her soon. _He would finally dare to enter his sweetheart's home, not at least prepared for what she had prepared for him._  
She had it right before her eyes, _Jamie halting for a moment, calling Maura's name, shaking, breaking down next to the corpse, crying._ Melissa closed her eyes, stretching her limbs, trying to feel Jamie's touching Maura on her own skin. _He would take her into his arms, hold her so close that she would hear his heart beating – oh no, she wouldn't_. Melissa smiled lustily. _Jamie and his bitch, both bathed in blood, oh he would cry._ Melissa shivered just like Jamie must do now, filled with grief and remorse and regret as he sure would_. He would realize it, finally. It was a mistake to let go of Melissa Samuels, and a deadly one. He should've known it from the beginning._  
Melissa opened her eyes, looking up to the white ceiling. He would crawl back to her, broken as he had broken her, and beg for… what? Death? Life? Love?  
For a moment Melissa's smile flickered. She still would give him everything he asked for. It was her personal hell to be bound to a man who had treated her so badly, who had let her kill an innocent girl only to make him realize his mistake. They had both sinned, that was what would connect them forever. He had saved her from one hell only to drag her into the other.  
Melissa felt no pain as the world dimmed around her. She was tired. She had done everything she could to bring the worlds back into balance, and now she was ready to go. The sharp anger stinging into her brain was gone. Of course, it would be so much easier if Jamie was with her in these last hours. But it was okay.

Melissa Samuels waited for death.

Jamie's sight was blurred by tears as he drove through the city, the same way he had just come. Forty minutes. It all had happened in forty minutes. He had been here, on exactly the same street, driving too fast, and still he had been to slow… forty minutes. Forty minutes to change his life, and that of Abigail Baker, and of their parents, and of all people who had ever known and loved Maura. Forty minutes to end a life. His arms jerked but his hands didn't shiver anymore, cramped too hard at the steering wheel. Maura. It was still difficult to believe she could be dead, despite the pale, cold c… body he had just seen. That had been her, but it couldn't be. Jamie remembered everything that had happened last evening, her voice, her movements, her laughter, her bright eyes shining, the soft touch of her hand on his… she was so much alive, how could she be dead? How could anybody kill a girl like her?

Which brought him to his task again. Kill Melissa. Jamie breathed heavily. The car seemed to lack of oxygen, and instead filled with heat, and anger, and the overarching hate towards every living being on earth. How could all these people on the streets go on as if nothing had happened? How could he himself be driving here when behind him one of the most innocent, good people he had ever got to know was dead and alone BECAUSE OF HIM?  
And how could Melissa still live, how could she destroy Jamie's and Maura's lie and just think she would get away with it?  
She wouldn't. It was all that was left to do, she would not live to laugh about what she had done. As Jamie turned into the street that held the Samuel's house, every picture of Maura alive had vanished from his mind, leaving only the memory from one hour ago. She was dead. Jamie halted the car and slumped forward against the steering wheel, all his energy suddenly gone.  
She was dead. No matter what he would do, Maura was dead. She deserved so much to live, but she couldn't. Every chance had been taken from her, reasonless, merciless.  
And he couldn't help her. He had done nothing to protect her, he hadn't even seen the danger coming. The danger he provided.

Once again Jamie started sobbing. He felt empty, just like he had down when Joe had died. How were you supposed to live with so much death around you? Why Maura? What had he done? And why did he even ask?  
It all came down to the fact that Maura had been tortured and killed because of him. Because Melissa Samuels couldn't live with the thought that he didn't belong to her. Which led to the question how she could ever have believed that there was something between them. Why she had started to stalk him, why he hadn't noticed it, why he hadn't been there to do anything to stop this.  
Not it was too late, and Maura would never go to Paris or parachute jumping.  
Jamie cuddled down in his seat and cried, praying she would be alive when he opened his eyes for the next time. Just as he had done when his mother had died, and his brother. It had never worked.

"Get the blue blights on!" Danny didn't look at Jackie as he drove even faster. Jackie frowned but did as he had asked, and right in that moment Danny hit the sirens. "C'mon, get out of the way! Get out of the way!" he yelled in frustration, "you know what these lights mean, right?"  
"Okay, Reagan, calm down!" Jackie knew how much Jamie meant to her partner, and she knew he always was worried about him, but sometimes the whole family-thing was too much for her. "We'll soon be there."  
Danny snorted.  
"Come on, Danny, it's not you, it's your brother! He won't run into her house and smash her head into a toilet!" It was intended as a joke but only made the lines on Danny's face deeper. "There's something more to it" he murmured, "I don't know what it is, but it got him worried enough to call me."  
"Oh yeah. A Reagan calling his brother. What a sign of worry."  
Danny seemed seriously confused by her sarcasm. "What's wrong with you? I need to protect Jamie from doing something stupid, where's your problem?"  
"My problem is that you don't tell me anything about the house we're soon about to crash in, nor the girl living in it. And talking about the girl – you said you would call Maura's family, when do you think you'll do that? She's the sister of a detective, Danny! This is a bigger family business than only you and your brother!"  
Danny closed his eyes for a moment but didn't slow down. "I'm sorry, Jackie. I am. I've not forgotten she's a cop's sister. I will call Abigail later, I promise, just let me make sure Jamie's okay, right? Please?"  
Jackie sighed. "Don't overuse your puppy eyes, Reagan." She frowned. "You know they work. Hit it. But you will tell detective Baker she's lost her sister in the next hour or I will do it!"

Jamie had almost fallen asleep when suddenly the sound of the sirens. Maura. If the ambulance drove fast enough maybe they could save her!  
Then he realized it wasn't the ambulance but a police siren, and Maura was dead, and her killer… her killer would pay for what she had done.  
The rush of energy Jamie felt as he jumped out of the car was born of grief and hate towards himself, and it was more than enough to kick open the door that Maura hadn't locked. She would pay. She would pay.

"No!" Just as they reached the street, Danny saw his brother storm into the house.


	16. Chapter 16

Even Jackie was alarmed now. "Melissa Samuels' house?"  
"What'cha think?" Danny killed the engine and ran, not bothering to look back if Jackie was following.

The sound of her gun being pulled out made him sick. For all he knew he was about to run into a house to stop his brother from taking revenge… on a killer. Apart from the fact that they had just drawn their guns to go against a cop, it hurt Danny much more that he was about to go against Jamie. He would have to be hard to stop him from doing something extremely stupid, while all he wanted was comfort him. Okay, Jamie had not really known Maura, but he knew his little brother. Jamie was still able to fall for a girl in an hour. And in contrast to Sydney, he was pretty sure Maura would have been up to being a cop's wife.

There was no need to line up in front of the door, they had both just seen Jamie opening it. Just as Danny motioned for Jackie to put the gun away, which almost guiltily she did, they heard a cry.

Melissa had barely time to sit up as Jamie opened the door. He ran in, stumbled over her feet and fell right onto his stalker, hitting her down again.  
Melissa smiled at the weight on her body she had imagined so many times. He was there. He had finally – finally – come home. And though she knew she should hate him, though he had destroyed her life, Melissa knew she would always love him. Always had loved him. They would find each other again, in the next life.  
Seeing her lying on the floor, Jamie's fist came to a halt high in the air. What was he doing? He was a cop. He was the embodiment of justice, he couldn't let himself be taken away like that. Maura had deserved better than that. Jamie's eyes filled with tears again. Maura was dead.

Automatically Melissa's hand moved up to touch the tears on his cheeks. "It's okay" she whispered, her voice raw from all the nights she had cried in pain, "I love you."

The touch was too much. Jamie's fist crashed down onto the woman's face, over and over again. Her cries were soon drowned by his own. He didn't think anymore, he didn't even feel anything. The only thing that mattered was to efface this demon from earth, to stop Melissa Samuels from destroying people's lives, to make her suffer like Maura had suffered, and to make clear that she would never, never hurt anybody again. Never.

Never.

"Police, get away from her now!" Jackie pulled out her gun again in a heartbeat, cursing both her partner and herself – and knowing that she wouldn't be able to shoot Jamie anyway.

Danny didn't bother to go for his gun, he simply jumped forward and hauled his brother off the woman. It was harder than he had thought, Jamie had learnt to fight in the academy. And, worse, he was out of his mind.  
"Jamie, stop! Stop!"  
"Let me to her, Danny, let me end it! Let me kill her!"  
Danny felt a fist of ice crutch his heart. He couldn't believe these words, not when they came from Jamie. He was so shocked he let go for a moment, and that was enough for Jamie to run to Melissa again. "You killed her!", he cried, forcing all his energy into one last punch – and knocked Jackie out for good.  
"Jackie!" Rage topped sympathy. Out of his mind himself now, Danny pushed his little brother back, right onto the couch table.  
He didn't wait to see him landing as he feverishly checked Melissa's pulse. Weak, but beating. While dialing for an ambulance Danny carefully turned Jackie around. Her eyelids flattered.  
"Jackie? Hey, Jackie, you with me? – Yes, this is detective Reagan, I got two wounded on 55 Green Street, one critical. –What?" He shot a questioning look towards Jackie who shakily pointed somewhere behind him.  
"Oh my god." Danny almost dropped the phone. The table top was made of glass, and Jamie had right broken through it. "Make that three."


	17. Chapter 17

Danny broke down next to his brother, and nearly cried with relief as he saw that there was no big piece of glass goring him. The desk had been made of safety glass. "Thank god" he whispered, realizing how close he had just been to lose another brother. His last brother.  
"Jamie! Jamie, get up, c'mon! Come on!"  
Slowly the young officer opened his eyes, obviously not completely here yet. "Danny?"  
"It's okay, Jamie, I'm here. I'm here." And hopefully the paramedics would be soon, too.  
"Danny… Maura…" Jamie cried, and now finally Danny was able to pull his brother up and carefully feel for any bigger pieces of glass in his skin. He felt little scratches and wet spaces on his shirt where fragments had cut Jamie's skin. Jamie shuddered. "It hurts" he murmured dumbly, "it hurts inside and outside."  
"I know, Jamie, I know. I'm so sorry." Danny did his best to wipe the remaining pieces off Jamie's back. The younger one gasped and closed his eyes. "Don't" he whispered, and Danny halted, afraid of rubbing some glass deeper into his skin. He knew if any fragments would get too deep into Jamie's body they could kill him, no matter how tiny they were. He had seen these things with bomb shrapnel, back in Afghanistan. So many men had died not because of the bombs that landed on them, but next to them.  
However, this was not war. Danny did his best to support Jamie in standing up without touching too much. This was not war, they were home. It would be okay. If only the damn paramedics would come soon…

Again, sirens were heard. Jamie looked up. "Melissa!" he hissed, but this time Danny didn't loosen his grip. "You're a cop, Jamie! You're a cop. You will not take revenge."  
"But she killed her!" Jamie wailed, his pain forgotten for a moment, "she killed her just because of me!"

Helplessly Danny looked over to his partner.  
Jackie frowned. For this day she was done with the Reagans. Sometimes she felt like she had adopted the whole family, and this was really not what she had expected when she'd got promoted detective. It was her job to arrest criminals, not to babysit grown-up men. Speaking of criminals, now she had to keep one of the alive in order to arrest her later.  
Slowly Jackie made her way to the woman's throat, checking her pulse right as Danny had done before. Too quick. Melissa's heart beat as if she was doing a sprint, not as if she was lying unconsciously on the floor. But at least she was alive.

"Alright, give her some oxygen, and I need some penthyacicloin to get her heart down." The man didn't waste a second looking at the police officers in the back of the room as he bellowed his commands around, then took a look at Jackie's head. "Could be a concussion" he said coolly, "I take it you're number two?"  
Jackie bit back a comment, nodded and immediately stopped. Bile rose in her throat and it was too much for swallowing it down again. She threw up right next to Melissa, causing Danny to help Jamie sit down in order to hold his partner upright. "Hey, Jacks, you're gonna be okay, alright? You're gonna be okay."  
Jackie tried to keep her breathing even. "Have I told you lately that I hate you?" she murmured, trying not to speak into his direction so he wouldn't smell her breath.  
Danny smiled in relief and gently rubbed her back. "Only twice today. I miss it."

Then he straightened up. "Wait, everybody, be quiet!"  
A strange hissing sound was to be heard, like a fish on dry land. Danny automatically grabbed for his gun as he realized that the noise came from behind him.  
Behind him.  
Jamie.

"Now there we got number three!"

_Okay… I hope I can update again tomorrow to get a bit more sense into this mess. If I don't, however, I'll update in two weeks… time for holiday __ Thanks so much for R&R_


	18. Chapter 18

_So… finally some hurt Jamie. I hope you like it! _

Danny held Jamie's hand all through the way to the hospital, begging his little brother to keep on breathing. The paramedics assumed that one piece of glass had punctured his right lung, but they had had not much time to diagnose him – Jamie had coughed liters of blood when he collapsed. At least it had seemed like liters. Danny had run to him but there was nothing for him to do, had not and was not – nothing since almost half an hour that would distract him from the fact that he was close to lose yet another brother. His baby brother.  
"I'm so sorry, Jamie" he whispered for the hundredth time, not bothering at all that two of the ambulance men were next to him in the car, barely noticing them, "I'm so sorry I shoved you out of the way, I just wanted to get you out of trouble. You hold on, right? You need to hold on, you're such a good cop, I know you are, I know you were trying to do the right thing, now just stay with me, okay? Stay with me!"  
Another labored breath. Danny clasped Jamie's hand firmer. "You've got to hang on, kid. You can't leave us here, we need you, I can't… I can't lose another brother, I wouldn't survive that, and neither would dad or Erin or Jack and Sean… hold on, Jamie, please! Please!"

"Hey, son. How's the street?"  
"Hey, dad." Danny could barely keep his voice even. He was pacing the floor for twenty minutes now, he knew he couldn't postpone the message any longer. And the message neither.  
"Danny?" Losing a son had made Frank Reagan more alert when it came down to voices. "What's wrong?"  
"Jamie's had… he had an accident. I pushed him… back and he fell through a glass plate and… I thought he was okay, but… dad, he's lying in ICU right now, and…"  
"Wait, wait. An accident and you pushed him? Danny, what happened?"  
"I can't, just… just come to St. Simons, okay? Please dad, I need you here." It was long ago that Danny had needed his father so much. Almost three years. He couldn't lose Jamie, he couldn't, not again.  
"Alright. I'm on my way." Frank did his best to suppress the questions lying on his tongue: What had Danny done? Why was Jamie hurt? Had they fought again? And what kind of glass? But in the end it all came down to one simple question: Would he lose Jamie like he had lost Joe?  
"I've gotta go, Baker. Cancel the rest of the day."

"Dad, wait… Baker." Danny could no longer retain the tears. "Bring Baker with you, I need… I need to tell her something."  
"What are you talking about, son?"  
"I…" The doors opened, the doctor coming out not directly smiling but nodding positively. Danny closed his eyes, his tears flooding free now. "He's alive, okay, he's alive. I gotta go see him, dad, just come here! Come here and bring Baker with you, alright? Sorry!" He hung up and almost jumped at the doctor. "How's my brother?"  
The man nodded again. "As suggested, his right lung is punctured in two spots. We could stabilize him for now, but we'll have to operate. And then he will need time to recover."  
Danny nodded, trying to cope with what he had just heard. "How long?"  
"He needs a special therapy to get the right lung functioning again. Four months minimum, six if he wants his total strength back. And since he's a cop… eight to ten months, minimum."  
"Ten months?"  
"Unless he's ready to do desk duty. But it would be better if he gave him the chance to fully recover."  
"Yes, sure. Can I… can I see him?"  
"Of course. He's asked for you. But he shouldn't talk too much."

Danny didn't waste a second to thank the man. Quietly he opened the door. "Jamie?"  
"Hey, Danny." Jamie's voice was weak and hoarse, as if he had just run fifty miles – with a heavy cold. "What ha… ha…"  
"It's okay, it's okay, be quiet." Danny sat down at his little brother's bed. "The doctor told me you shouldn't speak too much. Can you move your head?"  
Nod.  
"Good." Smiling weakly, he squeezed Jamie's hand. "Dad's on his way. It'll be okay. You'll be okay."  
"M… Maura." The pain on Jamie's face was not only coming from his damaged lung now. Danny sighed. "She's dead, Jamie. I'm so sorry. She was a good girl, wasn't she? Pretty. Brave." He smiled at the wild nodding. "I know. She was a really great girl."  
Jamie started to cry, and for a moment Danny couldn't help but crying with him. But he had to be strong for his brother, he had to carry him through… through the pain he had pushed him in.  
"I'm so sorry, Jamie" he said softly, "I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I would never…"  
"I… know." Jamie's grip got firmer, too, and he tried to smile. " 's okay, Danny."  
"I really didn't… I'll take care of you, Jamie. I promise."  
"I… wanted… kill…"  
"Forget about it, Jamie, she'll be fine, there's nothing happened. Not that anybody knew. You fought, that's all. We'll figure that out somehow. Don't think about it now."  
Jamie shook his head frantically. "I… revenge… I'm s…sorry, Danny."  
"Hey, hey… it's okay. We all make mistakes. Cops aren't perfect, Jamie. We're just human." Who'd have thought he'd say those things? To himself Danny would never admit that. But this was Jamie they were talking about. There was nothing he wouldn't do for him.  
"Thank you… Danny." Jamie's eyelids flattered. Gently, Danny touched his face. "That's what big brothers are for, kid. It'll be okay."  
"Can you… wake me… when dad comes?"  
"Of course. Now rest, okay? I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Danny squeezed Jamie' s hand again before he carefully laid it back on the bed, knowing that Jamie couldn't sleep with his hands unfree. Some things didn't change with age.


	19. Chapter 19

_Okay… just a very short one again, but I wanted to update quickly, so… next chapter should be on at the end of the weekend!_

A movement woke Danny from his dozing. Dad and Baker had arrived, and Baker… she had tears in her eyes. Did that mean Jackie had already called her? Where was she, by the way? Had she made sure that Melissa Samuels was safe somewhere Jamie wouldn't find her?  
"Hey, Jamie! Dad's here. I'll get him, okay?" He didn't wait for his brother's drowsy reaction and left the room.  
One look into Baker's face told him all he needed to know. The usually so calm and composed woman, strong enough to keep even the mayor down if she needed to, was gone. Something inside her was broken, her strength gone. Danny knew the feeling – the realization from where your power really comes, on whose support you rely the most. You don't get it till it's too late, till they're gone, and you don't know how to go on without them.  
For Danny, it had been his mother. He had loved her with all his heart, but till she had got ill he hadn't realized how much he also needed her.

"Hey, detective. How's Jamie?" Baker fought the tears down.  
Danny stared at her, impressed by the will to be brave. "He…" Then he moved closer towards her, gently holding her by her shoulders. The woman's jaw tightened, but from the corners of his eye Danny saw his father nodding before he passed one son to see the other.  
"He really was in love with your little sister" Danny said softly, and Baker's body stiffened. "She was, too. After the first time they met." She bit her lips. "She's had a bad hand with guys. Lies in the family. But with your brother, she said she… she felt safe."  
She shivered, laughing in her tears. "She felt safe, Danny!" It was the first time ever she had used his first name.  
Danny closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Abigail" he murmured. "I'm so sorry."  
"It wasn't your fault." She still was a police officer. "And I know that it wasn't his fault, either. Tell him that, okay?"  
"Yes, sure. Abigail, if there's anything I can do for you…"  
Baker shook her head. "I just want to see her. Please. Your father's here and the car's just a call away, so…"  
"Of course, of course. Go. Do you want me to call someone to take you home?"  
She smiled sadly. "The only one I had was Maura." Saying the name, Abigail Baker collapsed into Danny's arms, crying.  
"I'm so sorry" he whispered.

Jackie came just as Baker was going. The women embraced shortly, then the blonde straightened up and left – to start one of the hardest walks she ever would make.  
Danny looked at his partner questioningly. "You know each other?"  
Jackie shook her head. "But I know how it is to have a little sister." Danny frowned. "You…"  
"She's safe and sound and in… Texas." Jackie's voice filled with despise at the last word, but she quickly got serious. "How's your brother?"  
"He'll be okay. But he'll need roughly a year to get up to normal again."  
"Well aimed."  
Danny stared at her, but was wise enough not to comment it.  
"How's your head?"  
"Hurts. Thanks for asking. Nothing bad, though. But talking about bad, Reagan…" Jackie made a step forwards, frustrated now. She hated these kinds of problem, and it was happening far too often.  
"Melissa Samuels is dead."


	20. Chapter 20

Danny felt as if his lungs were punctured, too.  
"Dead?" he croaked, "what do you mean, dead?"  
Jackie's face was expressionless. Not only was she too diplomatic for sarcasm right now, she also was too tired. All she wanted was coming home, having a bath and… calling her little sister. That she and Juliet weren't as close as Danny and Jamie didn't mean they didn't love each other. And after all that had happened today… for the first time in almost two years Jackie really felt she needed vacation.  
"She stopped breathing in the car, they managed to reanimate her but in the hospital, they lost her again. They'll make an autopsy but it seems obvious enough even for me, Danny. She died of heavy head injuries. There were bruises everywhere on her forehead and in her face, and a lot of blood in her ears and mouth."

Danny gasped, stopping Jackie from pointing out the conclusion she had come to. The conclusion everyone witnessing the past hours must come to: Jamie had killed Melissa Samuels. He had avenged his new girlfriend-to-be's death.  
"I'm so sorry, Reagan."  
Danny nodded feebly, his eyes closed, shaking with both frustration and sorrow. "It's okay, Jackie. I somehow… somehow…" he opened his eyes again, looking around as if help could be found in the naked cold corridor, "I'll find a way to… I'll tell him."  
"Reagan?" Jackie frowned. "Find a way to what? Listen, I know your brother's a good guy, but he killed that woman! You can't let him out of this unharmed."  
"Unharmed?" Danny laughed bitterly. His glance was cast to a horizon Jackie couldn't see.  
"He's got a punctured lung that will need up to ten months to recover" he murmured, tears of guilt building up in his eyes, "he's got a dead girl he was in love with, and who died only because she went out with him. And he has killed another woman, with his own hands. Trust me, Jackie", he looked back to his partner, "trust me, Jamie's punished enough. He'll probably never get over those women, both of them."

Jackie bit her lips, cursing her situation. "I know. But he still has murdered someone, Danny. Melissa Samuel's family deserves justice, right as Abigail Baker would have deserved. And…" She stopped again, realizing that Danny wasn't really listening.

"It's only you and me" he said suddenly, looking past her again.  
Jackie searched his glance. "You and me what?"  
Danny swallowed. "You and me who saw Jamie doing it. You and me to say that it was no honest fight."

"What, ending up with Melissa throwing Jamie into that table?" Jackie couldn't believe her ears.  
"No, Jackie, not that way, I…"  
"You know what? I'll just forget this conversation ever happened, alright. I just came here to tell you that Melissa Samuels has died, and now I'm gone. You're off duty, I'll sign out for you, now be there for your brother and just don't come near the precinct or anywhere else concerning this case in the next 48 hours!"  
"Jackie…"  
"See you, Reagan. Greet me your father, and tell him you're off!"  
She almost ran down the corridor, trying to tell herself that her partner hadn't just suggested betraying the law in order to protect his brother. Maybe she was misinterpreting the whole thing, who knew? There was no way for a normal human being to fully understand a Reagan. And in 48 hours it wouldn't matter anymore since then at latest the autopsy would be ready, and once their sergeant had the results on his table, not even a Reagan could change them.

"Jackie! Jackie, wait! Hey, partner!"  
She halted, inhaling sharply. She didn't turn around. "Don't, Reagan."  
Danny shook his head sadly. "You really think that bad of me?"  
Jackie grinned bitterly. "I've stopped thinking. Suits me better right now. At least it prevents me from going crazy." Then she sighed and finally looked back at her partner. Danny looked bad.  
"You made me cross the line once already, Danny" she said slowly, "and I did it. I did it for you, and because you told me it was about Joe. I did it and it worked, and now we got some more really bad guys locked up for good. I don't regret that." She came closer so she could lower her voice, "But what you hinted now is too much, too much even for you. You know I will die for you if it comes down to it, but I will not betray everything I swore, everything I am and everything I hold dear in my life only to save someone's career. Not even for your brother."  
Danny smiled gently. "Everything you hold dear, Jackie? I thought you got a sister?"  
"You…" But Danny interrupted her: "I didn't mean you should betray anything. I just want to keep this low enough for Jamie to recover. I don't want you to lie to anybody, Jackie, I want you to wait till you press charges for murder or anything else when I'm not here. Because it wasn't murder, and we both know that. I just…" He stopped, caught in his own thoughts and the problem he found himself in.  
Jackie was right. Melissa Samuel's death wasn't an accident, she had fought before – with a man, which made the whole thing unfair. Jamie had hit her on the head and now she had died of head wounds. Highly possible, at least.

Jackie went the case through as well. "I won't say it was murder" she said eventually, "but nevertheless Jamie has killed her. There will be consequences, and they won't be nice."  
Danny sighed. "I know. Just… let me ask the questions when we talk to him, okay? I want him to know I'm here, as both his brother and a fellow cop. Can you do that?"  
The detective nodded. "Okay, Reagan. But I'll sit right beside you."  
"Deal. And…"  
"And what, Reagan?"  
"When it comes down to a process… when they ask you in court… what will you say if they ask you about Jamie's future?"  
Jackie frowned. "Why on earth should they ask me?"  
"Because they all know that I can't be objective with Jamie around" Danny murmured.  
His partner grinned. "I second that." Then she stood up. "See you in two days, Reagan."

Danny sighed. Then he went up the stairs again to look after his little brother.


	21. Chapter 21

Jamie's eyes were closed, his breathing shallow. Danny wasn't sure if he was sleeping or just too weak to keep his eyes open. The sight made him choke.  
"What did you do, kid?" he whispered to himself.  
Only then his father, sitting on a chair next to the bed, looked away from his youngest son and to his oldest. His face betrayed no feelings.  
"What did you do, Danny?"  
Danny jerked at the accusation though he felt it was right. He had done this to Jamie. No matter what Jamie had done to Melissa, no matter what Danny would do for him now – he had hurt his brother badly, terribly, almost deadly. He would never be able to make up for this.  
He could have killed Jamie.

As Frank saw the desperation on his eldest's face, his own stony expression softened. "Let's go out and you tell me everything" he suggested, but Danny shook his head almost shocked. "I won't leave him alone." Slowly he walked around the bed to a chair standing at the other side and sat down, taking up the vigilance. Over Jamie's tortured body, father's and son's eyes met.

For a moment they stayed silent, listening to the labored gasps. Frank found his own breathing louder and heavier than usual, too, and he forced it down. As bad as it was, for now Jamie was stabilized. He could no longer let his sorrow for one boy let him be harsh to the other. In the past year Danny's and Jamie's relationship had grown stronger than ever, despite Danny's opinion about Jamie being a cop. They had learnt to trust each other again, and though they still fought really bad sometimes Frank knew that Danny loved his siblings and would always protect them. How could he even for one second have assumed that Danny might have hurt his brother on purpose?

Danny could barely hold himself together, he was at the edge of crying, and though he just had protested against leaving the room he wanted to run away, away from what he had done, from what he had seen, away from the horrible noise. What would he give to be here in the bed instead of Jamie? Why was it always Jamie who had to suffer? How could he ever look into his baby brother's eyes again, or his father's or Erin's?

"I'm so sorry, dad" he murmured, not able to hold the glance any longer, "I'm so sorry. I would do anything to make it undone, trust me, anything."  
"I know, Danny." Frank closed his eyes. He had whispered this silent silly plea into the air enough times himself, in endless nights after Mary and Joe had died. _Anything_. Anything to turn back the wheel of time and find a way to alter the course of life. It wouldn't work.

Jamie mumbled something incomprehensible and tore the men above him out of their gloomy thoughts. His voice was hoarse and even while sleeping so filled with pain that it made Danny cringe. Frank grabbed Danny's hand firmly, to steady both his son and himself. After the longest thirty seconds Danny had ever lived through, Jamie fell silent again and rolled to the other side, almost tearing away the tube in his nose. When Frank carefully placed it back into the right position he felt wet spots on Jamie's cheek.  
"So he knows about Maura Baker" he said quietly, shaking his head, "I didn't want to believe it when Jackie met us at the car. Poor Abigail." He sighed. Detective Baker had been at his side for six years now, they were a good team. She was smart, stubborn, quick and most important – she was absolutely loyal. To him as a person and to the NYPD. It was a very consuming job she did, and she worked hard for it – and had set aside many things, like holidays, children, a husband. Since their parents had died, Maura was everything of family Abigail had left, and it didn't take much to see how much her little sister had meant to the detective.

As much as Danny felt for Baker – he knew her just as long as his father, and he knew she was one of the most reliable people on the force – he was thankful for the pause. He had to think about what he could and should tell about the afternoon. Whatever he said, he wouldn't only say it to his father but also to the Police Commissioner.

"Jackie told me to sign off" he started eventually, without looking into his father's eyes, "she said she doesn't want to see me in the next 48 hours so I won't be part of the investigation."  
Frank frowned. "The investigation of Maura's murder? Why aren't you allowed to participate? And Danny, what happened here?"  
Danny sighed. He couldn't lie to either of the men Frank Reagan impersonated right now.  
Gently, he took Jamie's hand in his. "Jamie found Maura" he murmured, "and he had just called me saying something about a stalker, about… rumors being spread about him. I didn't really understand it, I told him to talk later when we'd have more time, but… the time wouldn't come. Now when Jackie and I were called to the crime scene, one of the paramedics remembered Jamie being there, and then having left…"  
"To where?" Frank's voice was tense.  
Danny caressed Jamie's hand, as if to protect him. "Dad, you should have seen Maura. Or maybe it's better you didn't. There was blood everywhere. That wasn't only a murder, it was an overkill. And Jamie just couldn't cope with it, he was in love with her, and he felt it was his fault because…"  
"So he drove to the man he believed to be his stalker?" Frank forced himself to stay with the facts and not think further.

Danny nodded. "Yes." He swallowed. "He had told me her name so I drove to her house as well and…"  
"Her?"  
"Melissa Samuels." Danny closed his eyes so he didn't see Jamie's going open, alarmed by the fact that someone was holding his hand.  
"When I came there, she and Jamie were… they…"

"I hit her" Jamie pressed out quietly, looking at his father. Danny cursed himself again but didn't loosen the grip – it was too late, anyway.  
"I hit her over and… 'ver again. Danny had to… stop me." He shuddered, and Frank nodded quickly. "It's okay, Jamie."  
"'m a bad cop" Jamie added, his voice so raw that Danny almost couldn't hear it. But he read the words on his lips and they corded up his throat. "No, you're not, Jamie" he whispered, though one year ago he had confirmed that Jamie wasn't ready to be a police officer.  
"You're a good cop, you are. Ask dad!" Pleading for help, he looked at his father.

Frank's eyes laid gently on his youngest' pained face. "You are a good cop, Jamie. And I am glad you're still here with us. Now try to sleep, we'll be here."  
"Don… have to…"

That made the tears fall. It was all Danny could to not to run away and cry like a child.

Frank smiled. "Yes, we do, Jamie. That's what families do. We watch out for each other. You will be okay again soon. And we will sort out whatever's coming along. I love you, son. Now try to sleep."  
His soothing yet strong voice calmed Jamie down enough to close his eyes, and shortly after Danny had released his hand, he was asleep again.

Danny stood up, tears still rolling down his cheeks. "Let's go out" he whispered.


	22. Chapter 22

_Thank you so much for your reviews! I'm sorry I've been so lazy in thanking lately, but it really means so much to me if you tell me what you think about my works, and… yes. Just thank you.  
A short chapter now because I'm not totally into it _

Before Danny could even start with the story, Frank's cell rang. He sighed. "Erin."  
Danny swallowed. "Tell her to come home."  
"Hey, sweetheart. How are you?"  
Danny walked away a bit as he heard Erin's voice through his father's phone. It was obvious that she knew something, though he didn't know how the news could have spread so fast. That was bad. Not that anything was not bad about this day, but if Erin already knew about Maura's death, and Jamie being in a hospital, who else did know? And what else did they know?  
And from whom?

The only possible answer to that question made Danny's stomach turn.  
Jackie.  
Could she really betray him in that way? Was she able to tell their sergeant everything she had seen, just like that, without him, without Jamie having any chance to defend himself?  
It couldn't be. He trusted Jackie, he needed to trust her, that was the job, he needed to trust her with his life – but what was on stake right now was more than his life. If Jamie was seen guilty of murder it would destroy him, not only his career but himself.  
For the thousandth time Danny wished he would have been more severe with Jamie when they had been children. He shouldn't have been so patient with him, he should have made him harder, stronger, he should have showed him not to listen to what others said.

But that was Jamie. He always cared more for others than for himself, and Danny knew that even though it was a bad quality for a cop – ironic as it was – he would never want to change it. Jamie's kindness was one of the reasons why people trusted him and loved him.

Why Maura Baker had fallen in love with him.

He couldn't lose Jamie. The credo that had spun around in Danny's head as he'd sat in the ambulance returned full force, and he felt as helpless now as he had then.  
He couldn't lose Jamie. He wouldn't get over another brother, he couldn't, he couldn't… family was all they had. What did Jackie know? How could she understand it?  
In the end, they were all alone. Colleagues, friends, partners… the only thing a man could count on was his family.  
And Danny was ready to protect his with his life.

"Alright. Don't hurry, Erin, he's okay. He will be okay. Yes, I will. Your grandpa will get her to Linda for the night, and I'll await you here. I will. Take care." Frank hung up on his daughter, a new line of sorrow in his face.  
"Erin told me Baker called her to break the news" he said gravely, "about Maura being killed by a woman who in return seemed to have been killed by Jamie." His deep eyes nailed Danny against the wall. "Baker said she wasn't sure about the last part, though. Is it true?"

Danny opened his mouth, but the words didn't come out. After a moment of hesitation, Frank nodded.  
"Revenge?"  
All power scratched together, Danny nodded. "I pulled him off her and he landed in the glass. He was… it was like he said. He hit her on the head. Now she died obviously from head injuries." Danny closed his eyes. "He killed her, dad."


	23. Chapter 23

Frank nodded again, his face the mask he had trained so hard to maintain in front of the cameras. Sometimes it worried him how easy it was to hide his feelings from his family, too, but right now he was glad about it.  
"Erin's on her way back" he said eventually, "she'll be here in about five hours. You should go and talk to your sergeant."

Danny frowned. "About what? You think there's a way we can straighten this? I mean, if we…"  
"Straighten?" Frank bellowed, and after all his years of being a detective this voice was enough to make Danny feel small. "We will not invade this investigation in any point. We will not protect anybody from the consequences of his doing. Your brother will pay the same price as anyone for what he has done." His eyes glowed dangerously, and for a moment Danny felt betrayed by his father, too.  
"He is already paying, dad" he pleaded, "he'll need ten months to recover, physically. And you really think he'll ever be the same again?"  
"I think that you're not thinking about Jamie right now" Frank said sternly, "but about how you can make undone what you have done today. Preventing Jamie from justice will not heal him any faster. Two women are dead, and one of them was murdered by a police officer. How could that happen?"

"I… how can you say that? Is Melissa Samuel's death my fault now, too?" Danny backed away. "I drove to her house as soon as I realized…"  
"And you never thought about calling for help? You weren't the only cop out on the streets, Danny."  
"I didn't… I just had the feeling he would go there, we didn't really know it…"  
"It was enough for you to let your partner in the dark and just drive…"  
"Is it that what Jackie said, that I ignored her? Is that why she rat Jamie out?"  
"Mind your words, son!"  
"I can't take care of him his whole life long!" Danny yelled back, unaware of his wife, sons and Jackie to come up the corridor.  
"I'm sorry, dad, I failed." Suddenly all energy was left. With tears in his eyes Danny murmured, "I already lost Joe. I lost Joe and I couldn't do nothing against it. I don't know what happened at Melissa Samuels' house, I didn't want to keep anything a secret, I just forgot what grief can make you do."

Linda hugged her sons tightly and buried her face in their hair not to cry. Jackie put an arm around her soothingly.  
Still Danny didn't see them. All he saw was his little brother wounded in a bed, and his father standing between him and Jamie, blocking the way.  
"Don't make me lose Jamie, too" he pleaded, "I didn't want to lie, I… if they have to have somebody pay for that murder, let it be me. I know she deserves her killer to be punished, just let it be… just not Jamie, okay? He will never get over the fact that he killed an unarmed person, he will always blame himself for it. Don't make us lose him, dad, please!"

Frank took a deep breath. As a father he understood what Danny was asking from him. As a father he would have done the same without blinking. But he wasn't only Jamie's father – he was his boss, too. And besides that, he was Danny's father, too. He could not trade one son for another. A quick glance over Danny's shoulder made the commissioner realize that they were no longer alone. He smiled encouragingly at Linda who, with tears running now, had looked up at Danny's last words.  
"How do you imagine that, son?" Frank asked, his eyes never leaving his daughter-in-law's, "going to jail for something you haven't done? What about your family?"

Danny sighed. Of course he couldn't take Jamie's penalty, he couldn't, he couldn't leave Linda and the boys, and he didn't want too, either. But he couldn't let Jamie go to jail – or lose his job if they were nice – just because… well. Because a woman had died.  
"I gotta call Linda" he whispered, "I need her to know…"

"I'm here." Linda was good at drying her own tears quickly. She let go of her sons to hug her husband, holding him tightly. "I'm here and I love you and we will find a way."  
Despite everything, Frank smiled at the words. He would always be thankful that Danny had Linda in his life. She was just the kind of person he wanted for his other kids, too.

Unfortunately, one of those who – highly probable – would have been strong enough was dead now.

Jackie's cell rang, and without a word she picked it up. "Curatola? Right. You sure? Sounds crazy. How long? You're sure? Yeah, yeah I know how long you've been doing this, I just… okay, just mail it to me. Yeah. Thanks."  
She hung up and turned around to a waiting family. By now, Jack and Sean had made their way into their father's arms. They did know that their uncle Jamie was hurt, but also that he would be okay – so what was there left to worry about? He'd stay at home for a few weeks and then he'd go back to work. He was a hero just like their dad and their grandpa was, and just like their uncle Joe had been.  
Not for the first time in her life Jackie wished she could be eight years again.  
On the other hand – she had been eight when her father had died. That wasn't something she wanted to go through once again.

Danny cleared his throat. "What is it, Jackie?"  
She didn't even flinch at the hostility in his voice. Sometimes you couldn't reason with Daniel Reagan.  
"That was the coroner. As they opened Melissa's head they found a tumor with the size of a fist. An adult's fist. It's very likely that this aggravated her belief in Jamie belonging to her, maybe she was hearing voices… but in any case this is what killed her."

Frank looked up. "You're sure?"  
Now the detective chuckled. "Alright, now I know how annoying this question can be." But she was silent fast enough. After all, Frank Reagan was still her boss, and she was and would always be a police officer.

"The coroner is sure, and so am I. The injuries Jamie caused her couldn't really do any harm because her brain was already damaged. Deadly damaged. Without him hitting her she would have been dead half an hour later, the tumor broke her lung functions, she was suffocating slowly. Don't ask me how it worked exactly, Reagan" she said sharply into Danny's direction, "and yes, I'm still mad at you, and no, I will not forget this, but – no" she said, calm again, "Jamie didn't kill Melissa Samuels."


	24. Chapter 24

_104 reviews! This is so crazy! THANK YOU SO MUCH, all of you! This is really, really crazy and amazing and… wow. Overwhelming enough to get me some days of writer's block, but… wow. Thank you so much._

For a brief moment, Danny felt like the day would end well. Jamie would not be accused of anything, he would be able to keep on working once he recovered.  
When he recovered.  
The surge of relief vanished as quickly as it had come. Maura Baker was still dead, and Jamie would need up to ten months to be able to work again.  
He still had pretty much screwed up, and not only with Jamie.

"Jackie?" The detectives' eyes met, and despite all the anger she had accumulated Jackie found herself smiling at her partner. She knew Daniel Reagan well enough to read the guilt on his face, and the silent begging to forgive him, forgive him for mistrusting her, for almost breaking the law, for almost giving up everything he stood for. With every other partner, this would have been it.

But this was Danny. And, more important, it was Jamie. Family. There was nothing her partner wouldn't do for his family, nothing he wouldn't give up for them. Nobody he wouldn't trade for them.  
She had accepted that when she had returned to New York.  
"Jackie, I'm so sorry." Danny's voice was as tired as he looked like. "I never should've said that."  
"No you shouldn't." Which didn't mean that she had to make it easy for him.

"Let's give them some space" Frank murmured and led his grandsons towards Jamie's room. Linda followed after a glance back – not a testing but an encouraging one. She never had been jealous, not towards her husband's partner. It had been something different with that witness from the nightclub, then – but never with Jackie. Linda knew that in a way, Jackie was part of the family as well. And if it helped to get the sad look out of Danny's eyes, she would not ask.

Especially now that she would have to be there for her father-in-law and her sons. She put her arms around Jack and Sean's shoulders, bracing herself for what was to come, and looked at Frank.  
The commissioner stood blocking the door, unsure if the boys really should see their uncle like that. "He's sleeping now, maybe we…"  
"Will he be okay?" Sean said it aloud, the only question that was moving all of them.

Frank nodded and tried to smile. "He will, Sean. He will take some time" he sighed, "he will take a long time to recover, but he will."  
Linda closed her eyes in relief, the firm grip around her sons loosened a bit. "Is there anything we can do? What about Erin?"  
"She already knows. Baker called her before I sent her off." Frank sighed. "She'll be here soon."  
"Okay." Linda was confused. "But why did you send her off? It doesn't matter" she quickly added, "I'm sorry, forget it, I just…"  
"Jackie didn't tell you?"  
"Didn't tell me what?" Linda was alarmed again. Automatically she pulled her sons closer again. "She just called and said we should come here as quick as possible. And that Jamie was hurt. But I don't know why or how or…"

"What happened?" Erin rushed through the corridor, her voice just an inch higher than normal. Her eyes flickered between her father and her brother who now quickly hugged his partner and then joined his family.  
"Bye, Jackie!" Sean called after her, and Jackie managed to smile as she turned around and waved goodbye to the Reagans, politely nodding at her boss in the process. Frank replied the salutation before he hugged Erin. "Hi, sweetheart!"  
"Hey, dad. What happened?" She looked at her nephews uncertainly, then at Linda who could only shrug, then at Danny.

Danny swallowed heavily. "Jamie fell through a glass plate" he started, "it was my fault, I…"  
"Your brother will be okay but he will need time, and not everyone involved in this day's events are that lucky" Frank said loudly, determined not to let Danny take on all the guilt again. This was not about finding the bad one anymore. Melissa Samuels was dead, and so was Maura Baker – there was no justice to be asked for anymore. Life never was just.  
And what Jamie needed now wasn't a shifting of guilt. Asking the same questions over and over again didn't help. Frank knew that from his own experience.  
Jamie needed his family now, and he needed all support he would get from them.

Father and son shared a long glance till Danny finally gave in. He nodded towards his sons and led them – against their protesting – to the waiting area where Henry and Nicky would probably soon meet them.  
When the echo of their steps had faded, Erin briskly passed her father and opened the door.  
"Oh my god!"  
She didn't cry but felt her hands shaking, and as Linda softly grabbed for them she gripped her hand firmly. "Dad…"  
"He will be okay" Frank whispered again, but the sight of his youngest son still was hard on him, too. "We should let him sleep now. I'll tell you outside."  
Erin nodded but didn't move. Her eyes were still glued to her baby brother's face, and the look in them was the same she had for her daughter. She wanted him to wake up, to see him smile and hear his voice – to prove her that she wouldn't lose him. Like she had lost Joe.

"Erin!" Gently but firmly, Linda held her sister-in-law back as she stepped towards Jamie. "Let him sleep."  
The attorney nodded. She had to trust her father now to get the whole of the story. Detective Baker had tried to explain the situation when she had called her, but most of the conversation had died away in sobbing. Abigail Baker was a strong woman and a good police officer, but she couldn't stay professional. And after Erin had learnt about the reason why, she understood it.

"How comes you are here so quickly, by the way?" Frank asked as they went to the corridor again. "I thought you were…"  
"We parted earlier than expected." Erin's voice was very cool now, and sharp. Not now. Not more.  
Soothingly, Linda stroked her back. "Start at the beginning, Frank."


	25. Chapter 25

_Pure Danny/Jamie moment – I'm still new to these scenes but I hope you like it._

It was past midnight when Jamie woke up again. It took him a few seconds to remember where he was and why he was here – about the same time it took Danny to stop his restless pacing the room and sit down beside him.  
"Hey, kid."  
"Hey." Whatever the doctors had given him, it hadn't helped. Danny cringed at the raw voice.  
"You sound bad."  
"I feel bad." And if he was so ready to admit that, it really was _badly_ bad. One day had bent down a police officer, strong and proud and determined not to show any weakness – especially not towards his family and especially there not towards his big brother – to the little boy he once had been. Half a life ago when it had been four of them, a sworn if often quarreling team. Danny sighed. It were days like this when he couldn't help wondering how life would be if Joe was still with them. And their mother. Would Jamie still be a cop? Or would he be a lawyer, married to Sydney, a father probably? What kind of life would he lead if those two were still with them?

It had never occurred to Danny how much those deaths had actually altered in his little brother's life. He was the youngest; his path had been the least laid out when he had lost two of his greatest supporters and counselors. Mary at least had told him – often enough – what she wanted for her last child, and more even what she definitely did not want. Jamie had fulfilled her wish when he had started at the university, and Danny remembered well the mixture of excitement and remorse when they had driven him to Harvard.  
Then Mary had died, near the end of Jamie's first year. She had never seen her son graduating, she would never see it – it still was a secret between Jamie and Joe what they had talked about in the night of the funeral, but from the little Danny had managed to get out of Joe they had talked about the new situation concerning Jamie's choice of job then. Without his mother urging him to stand away from family business, why shouldn't he just do it? Why had he decided to stay at Harvard and continue the way his mother had so wished him to go?  
And then Joe got killed and everything changed anew. Danny and Erin already had families of their own when they lost their mother and brother, they had jobs and a life and reasons to work for – taxes to pay, at least.  
Jamie had still been a student, and though the whole world was grey with grief, it was open for him. He had chosen to return and follow Joe's footsteps, and he was doing a good job so far, but still – it had cost him already much more than it had Danny in all his years.  
Sydney gone. Maura dead. A punctured lung that would steal away ten months of his life.

"Are the others okay?" The weak voice pulled Danny back into reality. Trying to steady his expression, he quickly nodded. "Yes, they are. They're all here, waiting down in the hall. I guess grandpa's asleep by now, he and Nicki kept on fighting about school for hours…" he chuckled forcefully and quickly stopped. The echo in the room sounded even more wrong than the noise had felt in the first place.  
Jamie straightened up. "Nicki shouldn't be here, Danny. Jack and Sean neither. I…"  
"Okay, all was maybe too much, Linda and the boys have gone home some hours ago" Danny quickly reassured his brother, "and if Erin says Nicki's old enough to decide, then…"  
"Erin's here?"  
"Yes." Danny smiled at the warmth in his brother's voice. Even if his relationship with Erin wasn't the best now, he loved her with all his heart. And seeing Jamie's face light up at the knowledge that she was here, that the siblings were still there for each other, made him love both of them even more.  
And made him realize once again how much he needed them.

"I thought she wanted to be away longer" Jamie murmured in confusion.  
"Well, she wanted, but obviously…"  
"It's good she's here, though." The relief was hearable in Jamie's voice, "Nicki needs her." He took what deep a breath he could take, and Danny felt his stomach twist at the sound.  
"What about Jack?"  
"He's an asshole" Danny blurted out. Jamie's face changed to a grimace that probably should be a smile. "I see. Is Erin okay?"  
"She'll be once you are out of here, kid."

Minutes passed by in silence. Danny almost thought Jamie had fallen asleep again when he said: "I think I was a bad babysitter yesterday."  
"You what?"  
"For Nicki" Jamie explained tiredly, "I didn't listen to her at all" he ignored Danny's unbelieving look, "I just talked about how great my date had been. I told her about Maura."  
Danny nodded. That was where it was heading to. "She had a great evening, too, Jamie. Never forget that."

"I dreamt about her, Danny" the younger one murmured, as if he hadn't heard. "I dreamt about mom and Joe and how they died and then I saw Nicki and just hoped she would be okay, and the next thing I saw was Maura and we fought and then I threw a plate at her face and she died." He started sobbing, and Danny gently took his hand.  
"You did nothing wrong, Jamie. Not even with Melissa Samuels. The autopsy's ready, it was brain tumor killing her, not you. Probably that was what drove her that crazy in the first place."

But Jamie still wasn't listening, caught in the one nightmare he wouldn't wake up from anymore. "I dreamt about her death, Danny. I saw it all and I couldn't help her, I was doing it and I couldn't stop myself and now she's dead and I still can't stop it!"  
"I'm so sorry, Jamie." Danny's heart broke as he saw his little brother suffer like that, but what comfort could he give him? The only thing he could do now was be there and pray for sleep to quickly come and let Jamie forget for another hours. Till he was strong enough to start getting over it.

Eventually the sobs ebbed down, leaving the room in silence, only to be broken by rasped breathing and the sound of tears falling down Danny's cheeks.


	26. Chapter 26

In the morning, Jamie got operated. Frank had cancelled his schedule for the day, personally for the first time in six years. Now he stood behind a huge window and watched a team of the best surgeons – somehow they always were "the best", no matter for what kind of surgery, he remembered bitterly – cut open his little boy's chest. They would try to repair the damaged lung, Dr. Adams had explained to him, but if that wouldn't work they would cut it out totally. It was possible to live with one lung, live almost normally. Almost. There were only some jobs you couldn't do with one lung less, few jobs that required a certain amount of physical sanity. Professional sportsman, fire fighter,… police officer.

Frank sighed. He had spent too much time in hospitals. Waiting to hold a new baby in his arms, waiting to see his grandchildren for the first time… waiting for his mother and wife to be healthy again. Waiting for the nightmare to end.  
He wondered what Mary would say if she was still here with him now. Could he hope for Jamie to be on duty again? He had barely survived this time. If everything went the way it was supposed to be, he would train and get better only to be in danger again soon. Where was the point in it?  
Bad thoughts. For the second time in his life Frank's faith in the job was shaken.  
He had sworn to serve and protect, to defend the law and the people of New York with his life. He had given up most of his free time, he had missed more of his marriage and the childhood of his kids than he had ever wanted. He had seen too many things nobody should ever see, he had blood on his hands. His kidneys were severely damaged from dehydration because he sometimes forgot to drink the whole day – and his working day used to be ten to fourteen hours long.  
Those were risks and problems he had no problems with. Seeing your children suffer was an entirely different matter.  
Jamie had to get through this. He would be okay again, he had to. Jamie had always been the golden boy of the family, and he had lived through too much already. He had to get happy and healthy again.  
He had to.

"How is he?" Erin didn't even greet as she heard her father picking up.  
Frank smiled. "He's asleep. The surgery went well, they could save the punctured lung."  
"Thank God." The state attorney's voice was thick with relief. "Do you know when he'll wake up?"  
"Not yet. By the way, Nicki called me about ten times this morning to ask the same question. Is everything okay?"  
Erin sighed. "She's afraid to lose another uncle. I think with all going on around her, with Jack and me, she needs a certain stability. She couldn't lose Jamie."  
"Like the rest of us" Frank murmured, and then, "is it time now to talk about you and Jack?"  
"No. I've got to work. I'll come visiting later. You should go home and sleep, Dad."  
"I love you too, sweetheart."

After surgery, Jamie had to stay in hospital for nine days, to make sure his lung would not collapse, and to check if the glass hadn't hurt any other organs.  
Maura's funeral was to be eight days after her death.


	27. Chapter 27

_Sorry it took me so long…. I hope to finish this story by next week. Thanks to all readers and reviewers, you make my day every time!_

"No, Jamie, I will not kidnap you out of a hospital! How often do we have to talk this through?" Danny was frustrated. His little brother had been so close to death, too close. And now all he wanted was getting away from the people who could help him and on to see more death!  
"Danny, please. I have to be there."  
"Why? Whom for? Jamie, I know how much Maura meant to you. Okay, at least I know that she meant a lot to you. And I believe wherever she is now, she knows about your feelings. She'll know you're thinking about her, no matter where you are, do you really think she would like to see you getting in danger?"  
"I will never know what she wanted for me" Jamie answered coldly, and only his eyes gave away the pain he felt. "But I owe her to be there. Maybe I didn't kill Melissa Samuels, but if it wasn't for me, Maura would still be alive. She's dead because of me, and I can't…"  
"And now you think it's best you die too, right? You think that'll help anyone?" Danny hissed. "Let me tell you a story, little brother. A story about three boys and a girl, siblings, who had a wonderful life. They laughed together, they cried together, they made each other cry sometimes. They loved each other, though they fought very often. Some of them, at least. And one day, one of the boys – men, actually, since they had grown up together – died." His voice shook a little. "And the others were devastated. They stood before a stone that showed a place, a cold place under the ground, and that was where their brother lay. Everything he had once been was reduced to a piece of flesh buried under mud, and…"  
"Stop it, Danny!"  
"…and they promised something, too late, too less, but they did. They promised to look out for each other…"  
"Stop it, Danny!"  
"…they promised to be there, and let…"  
"Don't you dare comparing Joe to me! He died a hero!"  
"But he died!" Danny roared, "he died, and you almost died too, and I couldn't live without you!"  
He bowed his head, exhausted by all the hours of waiting and grieving and hoping against hope that the people he loved would still be with him. "I almost lost you, Jamie" he whispered, "I held you in my arms and I felt your heart getting weaker with every beat and I couldn't do anything against it. Worse, even, it was me who got you into this situation."  
"Danny…" Jamie reached for his brother's arm. "It's okay. You prevented me from killing someone."  
"From killing a killer" Danny sighed, "and that almost got you killed, kid. I can't lose you, I can't lose another brother. Or Erin. I can't."  
Jamie bit his lips. "You won't, okay? I'm here. I'm here and she's not." She. All the time.  
Danny shook his head. He didn't get through to his little brother. Probably without really knowing it Jamie used Maura as a shield against reality and reason, and with every time Danny tried to break this shield it got stronger. Jamie already adored Maura more than he should, given the fact that they had had only one date. The longer they discussed about her and her funeral, the more would Jamie idolize her. He would never allow himself to get over a girl he had barely known.  
"Death's not really something to argue about, uh?"  
Danny frowned. Arrogance. Not really one of Jamie's good sides, but at least a sign of normality.  
"I better go" he just said and stood up, "try to sleep, Jamie."  
"Danny?"  
As he turned around Jamie was a boy of six again, with eyes wide and hurt like a puppy's.  
"Do you think I'm a bad cop, too?"  
"Too?" Danny shook his head. "Jamie, nobody thinks you're a bad cop. Especially not me. You're good, and I'm proud we're on the force together. Now sleep."

Henry hated hospitals even more than the rest of the family did. He had spent too much time in those buildings, back at war for himself, for comrades. Too many times he had prayed in vain and they had died.  
When he entered the room and saw Jamie smiling at him he was more relieved than he cared to admit.  
"Hey, Jamie!"  
"Hey, grandpa."  
"How are you?" What a silly question, and yet he found himself asking it every time again.  
Jamie bit his lips. "I need to be at her funeral."  
Henry frowned. "Of course you do. Who says you shouldn't? When is it?"  
"Three days."  
"I see." The old man nodded. "And you're about to be released in… four?"  
The sad look in Jamie's eyes was answer enough, an answer Henry had also had once. When Kurt Buffan, an old friend from the war in Korea, had died in 1978 due to liver cancer, and he had been told not to attend the service because of a bullet shot through his leg.  
Henry silently cursed himself for telling this story so often. He had defied the doctor's advice and had gone. Now Jamie wanted to do the same.  
"A bullet in the leg is something different than a punctured lung, Jamie" he said gently.  
The younger Reagan's mind, though, was not accessible for reasoning. "If you don't take me I'm gonna take a cab. I will not leave her alone, grandpa. Not this time."  
Henry sighed. "Of course you won't. I'll drive you. But make sure your father doesn't see you."

A bullet in the leg was something different than a punctured lung. It only took them twenty minutes to get to the church, but after four minutes Jamie's whole body hurt so much he only wanted to turn around and get back into his hospital bed with the painkiller pills. Every breath he took burned like fire, and he felt dizzy, as if not even the unharmed lung was working. He had not eaten any breakfast to avoid throwing up but his stomach seemed to be ready to give away itself if necessary. It was hot, but still he shivered, and as time went by Jamie even lost the strength to pray for his condition to go unnoticed.  
He wanted to go home, to hide somewhere where the pain couldn't reach him.

From time to time Henry looked at his grandson but he seemed to mistake the tears in Jamie's eyes for grief, or maybe for guilt. Jamie couldn't find the difference between those feelings. If he hadn't been so blind he wouldn't cry for Maura now. If she hadn't met him their wouldn't be any deep feelings that could break his heart, or her neck.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Henry was all but certain by now that it had been a bad idea. His grandson could barely sit upright anymore, how was he to survive a mass on wooden benches? What did he expect to find? There was no comfort in a casket.  
Jamie swallowed painfully. His mouth was dry. No, he wasn't sure, but what chance did he have? He had seen Maura, he had seen what pain she must have had to go through. The memory of her lying in her blood, in her own home, brought up a new wave of tears, and they now were for her alone. She had so deserved to live!

"'m sure" he managed to say through swollen lips, and then he crawled out of the car, quickly followed by Henry. They leant on each other, the old Reagan and the young, and finally made their way into the building and to the last row of benches, like drunken shadows.

Abigail Baker, Frank, Danny and many others were in the front rows.

Just as Jamie slumped down, Danny turned around.


	28. Chapter 28

"You gotta be kidding me." Growling, Danny turned around and shoved his way past his sister. "Danny" she hissed, angry but fully aware that her brother wouldn't act that way in a situation like this without a reason, "what's wrong?"  
Danny almost laughed. There was just one answer. Ever since their childhood, there had always been only one to worry about, one he had tried to care for all his life, and one to ruin his nerves.  
"Jamie."

Erin's glance followed Danny, her heartbeat racing up as she saw her baby brother. Jamie was even paler than when she had seen him in hospital. And he was crying. "Dad" she whispered, grasping her father's arm, "dad, he's here."  
Frank closed his eyes. Somehow he wasn't surprised. Or was it just the memory of Joe that in this church was stronger than ever – in this church, with these people around. Maura Baker had been a midwife, but her funeral was almost a police officer's. Half of the benches was filled with cops, some of them had come for her, some of them for her older sister.

Abigail sat very straight alone in the first row, fists clenched. As Erin looked at her she found that Baker was almost as pale as Jamie. Her heart went out to the detective. She knew how it was to lose a sibling. And right now she had been too close to losing another one. With a mumbled excuse to her father, Erin followed Danny.

Jamie crawled to the left side of the bench. If he stretched, he could see the coffin. Dark wood that forever held what remained of Maura. How long would it be till his family would have forgotten about her? They had hardly known her, and there was so much death around them. So much they had to forget.  
But they couldn't forget Maura. He couldn't forget her, never. It would have been his task to introduce her to his family, to make her special and unforgettable in the eyes of all Reagans. Now there was only him, and Abigail Baker, to make sure that Maura would always be remembered. Jamie felt dizzy. He still remembered how to breathe, but it was a lot more difficult than when he had last tried it.  
Next to the coffin was the photo. Maura Elizabeth Baker, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a smile that made his knees weaker than his actual condition could do. She was so much of an angel, where else should she be than in heaven?  
"I'm sorry" Jamie whispered hoarsely, like he had done so often in the previous nights. "I wish it could have been me." But words could never be enough, not enough to tell her what he felt and especially not enough to give the world back what it had lost with Maura.  
He had to come back. Jamie closed his eyes, tried to focus on that decision and on breathing.  
He would be a cop again, he would come back as soon as possible. There were too many good people dead, too many people the world would have needed. He had at least to try being half a good person as they had been. Joe. Maura.

"What the hell?"  
Jamie turned around, so quickly that he could see sparks dancing at the edges of his vision. Danny had seen them. He was coming, running, closer to grandpa. Jamie swallowed. He could not have his grandfather taking responsibility for what he had done. At least for this he could pay himself.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? You want to kill him?" Danny didn't care who was listening anymore as he grabbed his grandfather's collar and shook him. "What do you want to show me, uh? How easy it is to kill him?"  
"Don't curse in the house of God!" Henry did his best to sound unimpressed, which only made Danny angrier. "Where was god when Maura Baker was killed, grandpa? Where was he when mom and Joe were killed? Where was he when…"  
"Shut up, Danny!" Slowly, Jamie had managed to get between his brother and his grandfather. He shook with the effort of pulling Danny's hands off Henry's shirt.  
As Danny realized what Jamie was doing, he let go and grabbed for Jamie's arm instead. "Come on, kid. Let's get you back, okay?"  
Jamie shook his already spinning head. He couldn't really focus on his brother's face, but his voice was calm. "I'm not going anywhere, Danny. Leave grandpa alone."  
Danny backed away at the coldness of his little brother's voice.  
Wrong reaction.

In slow motion Jamie fell backwards, defending his grandfather had cost him too much strength he didn't have. The world blurred, and not only at the edges but everywhere. Maura's face came up to his mind but was also blurred within seconds, and then it changed into his mother's, or was it…

"Erin?" His mouth felt stuffed but he couldn't say with what. Probably with his tongue, hot and swollen between his lips. Jamie shivered. He had no idea where he was, but it was awful! He wanted to go home!  
"Hey, Jamie!" Erin's voice still shook a little bit as she wiped away the last tears. Then she turned around to someone out of Jamie's vision. "He's woken up! Tell dad!"  
The answer was an angry grunt. For a moment, Danny appeared next to his sister, his face torn between anger and relief. "Idiot" he hissed to Jamie, and, after a glare from Erin, "you wanna die too, is that the plan? Romeo and Juliet? You wanna leave us like that? You're a waste of medicine, Jamie!"  
Then he was gone, storming off, back to the church. Slowly Jamie sat straight, Erin gently holding him up. He was in dad's car, next to the church Danny was running to. Grandpa stood at the stairs, and even from that distance Jamie could see Danny snapping at him, and his grandfather bowing his head as if in shame.  
"No…" Jamie closed his eyes as new tears rolled down. He didn't want this, couldn't he stop bringing pain and making everything worse after all? It couldn't go on.

"Shh… it's okay, Jamie, it's okay." Soothingly Erin pulled her little brother close, rocking him as if he still was a child. "You're going to be okay." No word of Maura, of course. Not even a word of grandpa.  
"I don't wanna die" Jamie whispered, "I can't go now, I gotta be a good cop for Joe. And for her. I didn't want to die, I just… I had to…"  
"I know, I know you had to."

Erin barely heard her only answer. Her head was spinning. This was the truth she had always supposed and dreaded. _I gotta be a good cop for Joe._  
If only Joe was alive, Jamie would be a lawyer. He would live his life, wherever it would lead him. Right now he was trying to live his brother's, and it was too much for him.  
"Can you tell Danny not to be mad at grandpa? Please?"  
Erin bit her lips. She would, but only to yell at her grandfather herself. "I'll talk to him, Jamie. Now sleep, okay? We'll get you back to hospital, and…"  
Jamie shook his head. "Not yet, Erin, please! Not yet!" But his lids were already flattering.

As Danny returned to drive Erin and Jamie back, Jamie was already fast asleep.


	29. Chapter 29

_Just a short one… thanks to all reviewers and readers, I'm so happy you keep on reading._

"Uncle Jamie?" Nicki's voice was shaky as she gently put her hand on his arm. Dizzily, Jamie tried to sit up. He wasn't sure what day it was, or if he had actually attended Maura's funeral or if it had been a dream. All he knew was that she was dead, and he missed her. But right now the confusion and sadness in his niece's eyes and voice was even worse to endure than the grief for Maura. Nicki shouldn't look like this, she shouldn't be so afraid of losing somebody. Being a teenager was hard enough without fighting parents… and uncles with at least one foot in the grave.  
"Hey, Nicki." His voice was as shaky as hers but he managed to smile. "You're looking tired."  
"I'm looking better than you" she shot back, but it seemed as if she didn't dare to smile. "How do you feel, uncle Jamie?"  
He _would_ make her smile. "I guess better than I look like."  
She only bit her lips. Her eyes were red. "Good."  
Jamie put his hand on hers. "And how are you?"  
Now Nicki smiled – so false it would betray nobody. Through the mist of pain Jamie saw the tears in her eyes now, brought out even more by the effort of being strong. "I'm okay. I…" She broke off before her voice could break and looked away.

Jamie did his best to move closer to her. "Nicki, what's wrong? Tell me. You know you can trust me with anything, that doesn't change just because…"  
"I know! For heaven's sake, I know!"

For a moment, it was silent.  
Nicki swallowed. "Don't tell mom I cursed, okay? She's got enough to worry right now."  
Gently, Jamie stroked the tears from her cheeks. "And you too? Tell me, Nicki."  
The teenager shrugged. "Well, it starts with my uncle who nearly got killed, and then broke out of the hospital to attend a funeral which got him almost killed again!"

So it had been true. He had been at Maura's funeral, but actually he had missed it. Jamie closed his eyes. He couldn't cry for Maura now, it was too late. Too late though he knew by now that some pain never ended. Now, though, Maura didn't need him anymore. Nicki did.  
"I didn't break out" he just said, "grandpa drove me. Is Danny still angry at him?"  
"Well…" Nicki sighed. "I guess I shouldn't tell you that…"  
"Yes, you should!"  
"I… uncle Danny's mad at him, mom is mad at him – though I think she's even madder at you somehow. But the worst… is grandpa."  
Jamie swallowed. "What about him?"  
"I guess I've never seen him so mad at anybody" Nicki whispered, "but grandpa Henry bites back just as sharp. He says he would do it again if you asked him to, and that it is more important to help the living get over the dead than have a nice funeral for the dead."  
"Nice funeral?"  
"Well… you passed out right in the mass." Nicki shuddered. She hadn't been there but what her mother had told her about the service had been enough. "Mom said the first rows didn't really notice it, but of course detective Baker did. I just saw her when I came, she was very worried about you."  
Jamie closed his eyes. She was worried about him? Because of him she had no sister anymore, then he ruined Maura's funeral, and now she was worried about him? What was wrong with that family?

Nicki saw the desperation growing in her uncle's eyes and anxiously searched for something better to talk about, but there was nothing more. Helplessly she grabbed for her uncle's hand again. "Uncle Jamie, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about everything."  
He shook his head. "Don't, okay? Just don't. I'm sorry, too. I know I haven't been there for you and…"  
"Oh come on, you almost died… that was… that would have been worse than anything else, uncle Jamie." Nicki's voice was earnest now, and though she sounded like a grown-up, in her eyes Jamie still saw the little girl he had taught riding a bike.

"What about your mom and dad?"  
Nicki sulked. "Really?"  
"Really." Jamie winced as he sat up straight. Time to get back into reality. He had to deal with a whole lot of Reagan anger, and he had to get back in shape to do his job.


	30. Chapter 30

Jamie was released five days later into familiar custody. He was not to be left alone for the next week, to make sure he would not suffocate.  
In silence, Danny drove him to his house, and Jamie didn't have to ask why. His father and his grandfather were still fighting. "Don't even think about arguing with them, kid" Danny said as he carried his little brother's bag up the stairs. "You're not in shape to talk with them, and they're not in the shape to listen."  
Jamie nodded but didn't say a word, and after a moment, Danny turned around. "Do you hear me?"  
"Yeah, of course. I won't." His voice was stronger now but strangely pressed, and his eyes were cast to the floor.  
Danny sighed. "They'll be okay, Jamie. Sooner or later, latest when you're back to normal. He'll understand." Whoever this "he" might be.  
Jamie's head sank even deeper. "Yes."

It was only as Danny reached the second floor that Jamie found the courage to speak again. "And will you and I be okay, too?"  
Danny turned around. "What you mean, kid?"

Jamie sighed. "I know I gave you the creeps showing up there. But look, Danny, I just had to…"  
"Whoa, whoa, easy, kid! You didn't give me the creeps, stop thinking it's all about you." Danny laughed. A cold laughter. "I mean it's not as if you hadn't every reason to be out there, given, you knew that girl for a few hours and…"  
Jamie swallowed. "Danny, please."  
"No, kid, you're trying to make amends, you're gonna listen to me!" The cold was gone. Danny's eyes were glowing dangerously as he dropped the bags and turned around to grab his brother's collar, almost lifting him from his feet. "You almost died because of me. I can't make this unhappened, Jamie, trust me I'd do anything to go back in time and… find some other place I can smash you. But I can't. I almost lost you to my own hands, we almost lost you. Now we were lucky enough to have mom and Joe watching over you – don't you dare looking away! Yes, it hurts, yes, damn well we already lost too much. God knows." His hands sank down suddenly, all energy had left him. "I can't lose you, Jamie" he whispered, eyes cast to the floor, "sometimes I miss Joe and mom so much that I can hardly breathe. I can't… I can't lose you, too. Is it really that hard to understand?"  
Jamie dropped his gaze, too. Swallowing had become easier in the past two days, but uncried tears made it hard again. "I'm sorry" he whispered roughly. "I didn't want to… I'm just… I'm so sorry, Danny." Words didn't even half express how bad he felt. He knew too well what his brother meant, how he felt. He felt like that often enough, too.  
Danny took a shaky breath. "Never mind, kid." He looked up. "I just to say that, okay? Good." He patted Jamie's shoulders, turned around and picked up the bags as if nothing had happened. "Linda said we'll have steak for dinner."

"Linda?" Jamie knocked at the open kitchen door.  
Linda smiled. "Hey, Jamie. Come in. Are you okay so far?"  
Jamie nodded guiltily. "I just wanted to say thanks. And sorry." He bit his lips.  
Linda shook her head. "It's okay, Jamie. From the medical point of view what you did was… crazy. More than crazy, actually, and…" With a sigh Linda turned around to finally face her brother-in-law. "And it reminded me once again that God is greater than whatever we do in our clinics. I'm not angry at you, and you should know Danny well enough to know that he isn't either. We're just worried, and so happy to have you back." Smiling again she went over to him and hugged him. Jamie sighed in relief. "Thank you."  
"That's what family for, Jamie." The sound of the door made Linda pull back. "Talking of family" she smiled, "your nephews can't wait to see you."

Jamie smiled, for the first time in almost three days. "Hey, guys! How are you?"


	31. Chapter 31

"Commissioner?"  
Frank looked up, mild surprise in his eyes. "Baker! Are you…" He stopped midsentence, unsure what to say.  
Abigail Baker's face was earnest, her eyes seemed darker. She had aged a lot in the past two weeks, but the smile on her face, though it couldn't reach her eyes, was honest. Frank swallowed down his skepticism as he remembered his own reactions after his mother's and Mary's death. Working made it easier to accept that the world moved on.  
"I signed back in this morning, sir." Her voice missed its usual sparkle and she seemed notice it. "With your permission, of course."  
"That's not my decision, Abigail" he said earnestly, taking in the young woman. "You can and should take as long as possible to try and get over your loss, and…"  
"But I don't want to take time for it!" the detective shouted, "it happens. All the time. My sister's everywhere, and it's hard enough to get my mind clear for a few minutes when I'm alone at home. I don't need extra time to think about her, what I need is something to get me going on!" She bit her lips and backed away, ashamed by her own words. "I'm sorry, sir. I shouldn't have…"  
"I understand." Frank stood up and gently laid an arm around his assistant's shoulder. "I know how you feel" he said as he looked past her through the window, "and I wished I could tell you that the pain will end someday, but so far it hasn't."  
Baker nodded slowly. "Does it get better?"  
The commissioner sighed. "It gets easier to forget it, or push it away from your thoughts. But when the pain reaches you, its intensity will be the same. And it needs time to realize that there's still beauty in the world."  
There was a difference between the two of them, he realized almost too late. He still had his family around him.  
"You are welcome here" he just said, "but if you decide you need a day off, just say it."  
Baker sighed in relief. "Thank you, sir."

The telephone rang. Frank frowned as he read the caller's name. He should be happy to see his daughter calling him, not worried. Times were rough these days.  
"Hey, sweetheart. How are you?"  
"Hey, dad." Hearing the smile in Erin's voice calmed him down a bit. Her words, though, alarmed him again. "Can I come and see you?"  
"Can we talk about John now?"  
He almost saw his daughter rolling her eyes. Just like her mother. "No, dad. John and I, we're history. For good. And it's not about me, it's… about Jamie."  
Frank sighed. Jamie had just come home to Danny yesterday, and the plan was for him to stay there for two more days. He had not yet called him – from how he knew his son he would have to clear things with his father first.  
"Alright, what is it?"  
"Can I… can I just drop by? I could be here in half an hour, and…"  
"Sure, sure. Looking forward to see you." He had to try to make her smile. And from Erin's voice it had at least partly worked. "See you, dad."  
Frank hung up. "Baker, if you're really up to work… you need to clear my schedule till noon. I got an important appointment with my daughter."

Erin looked around nervously as she made her way to her father's bureau. A part of her felt like she was just betraying Jamie, which definitely was the last thing she wanted. But the other part of her had had bad feelings ever since Jamie had announced his wish to be a cop, and now that she saw her fears confirmed she could no longer be quiet.  
As she reached the door, Baker opened it from inside, causing Erin to jerk back. "Baker! I… I'm…" She took a quick breath to orient herself in the new situation. "I'm so sorry for your loss."  
Baker's face hardened. "Thank you, Ms. Reagan." Then the detective forced herself to relax. "Your father's cleared everything for the next three hours, but he had to talk to the captains from the 25th precinct because of the pizza burglars. He should be here in a minute."  
"Thank you." Awkwardly Erin walked into the room. She had never been here without her father. For a horrible moment a dark thought climbed up her thoughts, a fear she fought down every day: the next time she would be in this room without her father, it would be because he was dead…

"Erin?" Baker hadn't left the room. Her eyes were cast to the floor. "If I may ask this… how is Jamie?"  
Erin shrugged. "I wish I knew, Baker. He was released from hospital and spends the next days with Danny and Linda now. But… he really misses your sister, and he feels terribly for breaking down at the funeral and…" She was at loss for words. Baker quickly nodded. "Tell him not to worry about that. And if he wants to visit Maura, her grave is…" she hesitated and swallowed to steady her voice, then added, "east entrance Westside cemetery, fifth row in the middle, number nineteen. She's right beside our dad."  
Erin closed her eyes as if to shield herself from the sadness in the detective's voice. "Thank you" she murmured.

"Sorry I let you wait." Frank held open the door for Baker before he kissed his daughter on the cheek. "You look tired."  
Erin didn't respond to the unasked question. "Is Baker fit for duty already?"  
Frank frowned but gave in. "I think she's not fit to stay at home alone" he said. "So what is it about Jamie?"  
Erin sighed. "It's something he said… at the funeral, right before he passed out. I don't even know if it's really important, it just... keeps coming back in my mind all the time, and… I've never heard him admitting it before, so…"  
"What is it?" Frank's voice was still calm, his eyes weren't.  
Erin swallowed. "He said he had to be a good cop for Joe." As he father didn't respond, she closed her eyes. "Dad… he is just on the force because of what happened to Joe."  
"Because Joe died" Frank corrected automatically. He hated it when people tried to paraphrase what had happened. He had lost a son! His son had lost his life. Those who lived and were less affected by his death at least owed Joe to speak out what had happened.  
"Fine, then he's just on the force because Joe died." Erin wasn't in the mood to talk about pride pr braveness right now. "What it comes down to is that Jamie would have been a lawyer, it wasn't so bad an idea of a living for him, and then Joe got killed and he felt like he had to live his life now! He's feeling responsible for the honor of two Reagans now, and it already has almost killed him! He'll never be the same, and…" She forced herself to stop rambling. Better to keep the darkest thoughts to herself. Stupid as it was, she had learnt that things you said tended to feel more real even if they weren't.  
"Dad I don't think he's happy right now."  
"Right now? No, I don't think so either." Frank did his best to stay calm. Erin always resembled her mother, but never had he seen the familiarity so clearly as now, and it killed him. Had it been right to – if grudgingly – support Jamie on his way through the academy? Should he have insisted on him becoming a lawyer?

"Dad, you know what I mean. Maybe this is not the life he should have. Maybe he should take the chance and leave the force, and… do something different, no matter if it's law or… whatever." Erin looked down. "Something he chooses for himself, without any of us mixing in."  
"Like your mother did when Jamie first said he wanted to be a cop."

Erin sighed. "He wanted to be a cop because you and grandpa are cops. Because Danny and Joe dreamt about being cops. And he obviously loved his time in the academy, but with all happening now… I don't want him to live Joe's life, dad."  
Despite the prospect, the commissioner smiled at his daughter. "Your brothers are lucky to have you, Erin. And I am even more."  
Erin smiled thankfully but it didn't reach her eyes.  
"Do you think Jamie's meant to be a cop?"

Frank sighed. He had tried to avoid this question, not only for Jamie but also for himself. "I don't believe in meant-to-bes" he finally answered slowly, "but I do believe that the Lord has a path and a place for us, and that if we find it, we will feel it."  
Erin frowned. "And do you think Jamie's at this place by now?" Though somehow she felt like she already knew the answer.

"That's up to him. We can only be there for him and show him we'll be there no matter what way he chooses to go now, but in the end… it lies in Jamie and Jamie only."


	32. Chapter 32

Erin nodded but still was unconvinced. "Do you like the idea of him being on the force? Under your command?"  
Frank quickly shook his head. "This is not about commanding, Erin. It is about doing what is right, and fighting for it, and defending those who can't for themselves. And yes, I am proud that your brothers felt committed to this duty, to this task. And I'm proud of you because you found your own way to help people. Your mother was always very proud of you."  
Erin nodded, glad to be able to get back to topic again. "Do you think she would be proud of Jamie, too?"  
The commissioner sighed. So often he had asked himself the same question. What would Mary have expected him to do? What did she think about having all her sons in blue, especially after she had lost one of them? Was she angry at him up there? Was Joe sitting next to her, talking about the job?

"it's not us to decide" he repeated. "But I agree with you that we'll have to talk to Jamie about this."  
"Okay." That was all she had wanted. Erin knew that she could never have this talk with her brother, not because he didn't trust her but simply because she was no cop. She knew a lot about them – of course – but she had never worn the uniform and therefore, as Danny loved to remind her, had absolutely no idea what she was talking about when it came down to an officer's misbehavior.  
"Thanks, dad." She stood up. "By the way, did you already talk to grandpa?"  
Frank's face was answer enough, and Erin sighed. "Dad, that's not gonna make it easier for Jamie. You know he'll feel guilty for that, too."  
"He should have thought about that before."  
"I know, but… I'm so tired of fighting." The state attorney's voice got lower as she reached the door. "Nicki's so worried about Jamie and John and me that she can't sleep at night, she's lying awake in her bed for hours. I don't know how to help her, I wish I could, I want to stop it all but I can't. John wants to check the divorce contract for nothing, and by now it's okay for me, I just want it to end. And if he wants his money back he can have it, I just want my daughter to be alright again!" She turned around to her father, cheeks burning. "There's so much going wrong right now, dad, and yes, grandpa made a mistake but he did it for Jamie's sake. He did it to make it easier for him, just as I would do anything to make this easier for my daughter. And whatever happened, Jamie's alive. He's alive, and he's feeling guilty enough without you guys fighting all the time. And Danny's feeling guilty, too, he'll never forgive himself for throwing Jamie into pieces. You know that." Her voice got calmer, filled with resignation. "Dad, we're broken enough. I need my family, and I need you together. My child needs us together. There's so much out there we can't control but this at least we can! You can. So I beg you, I plead you, dad, to stop this and forgive grandpa, and let us be a family again."

Frank closed his eyes. The last time his daughter had pleaded him for something had been… it hadn't been. Not ever before. And even though Erin's words were exaggerated – it wasn't as if the rest of the family was spread in all winds, after all – he knew that she was right. He needed to forgive his father in order for Jamie to allow himself to start healing. And Jamie needed to start healing in order for Danny to start to forgive himself.  
And he to talk with Nicki, period.  
"Alright" he said, and as he saw tears of exhaustion and relief roll down his daughter's cheeks he went over to hug her firmly. "What would I do without you? What would any of us do without you? Thanks for reminding an old man of what he has to do."  
Erin smiled through her tears. "You're not old, dad. You still keep us all going."  
Frank chuckled. "I keep you going because you carry my through" he murmured, "and now I gotta tell Baker to clear my whole day. I need to talk to your grandfather."

_Next chapter will be the last one, so stay tuned once again ;) And I'm thinking of writing a sequel to this story… would you like to read it?_


	33. Chapter 33

_When I started this story I didn't expect it to get this much attention (talking of views), left alone reviews! Thank you so much for your words and encouragement. I don't know when the sequel will be up but it will come. Again, thank you so much. I hope you'll like the end. _

Frank had only twice in his life hesitated to open the door to his house: on his first day as police commissioner, after the mayor had tried to make him his little pet and he had spent practically the whole day fighting, and the second time the day that Mary had died. Coming to a house she would never be in again was something totally different from coming home.  
Luckily the situation today was more similar to the first time. Just that he was not coming from a fight but to a fight now, and he would not try to win but to end it. It was about time, he reprimanded himself silently, to think like a father again, and not like a toddler whose toy had been taken away. True, when Jamie had collapsed at the funeral it had been a father's heart almost breaking, and it was the fear for his little boy that kept him awake at night.  
But being mad at his father didn't help anybody, especially not Jamie. He was breaking up the family when just recently they had learnt again how precious the hours were they could spend together. How long would he still have his father?

"You wanna strike roots here?" Henry opened the door from inside. His face wore the same feelings as in the morning, and in the five days before. "Or can't you bear living under the same roof as I anymore?"  
Frank automatically straightened at his father's aggressive tone. "Well, I…"  
"It's alright, Francis. I leave." The aggression was gone as Henry fully opened the door and stepped out, a suitcase in his hand. Frank was too startled to say a word.  
"I don't wanna do this" Henry explained tiredly, "but I won't have my only son waiting in the cold because he doesn't want to come home. And I will not be the one hindering a family dinner. I did what I did, and I would do it again. But you're a father, and you've got to protect your children. And if you…" He stopped, and it took Frank a moment to realize that Henry was fighting against tears. "… if you feel that I am… a threat… then I…"  
Too shocked to say a word Frank moved forward and hugged his father. Henry froze for a second before he answered the embrace, his quick breathing telling he was still close to tears. "I am so sorry for what happened, Francis" he murmured, "I could never forgive myself if Jamie died."  
Frank took a deep breath. "I know, pops."  
"But you should have seen his eyes" Henry continued as he backed away and half-heartedly grabbed for his bag again, "they were so filled with pain, with… determination. If I hadn't driven him, he would have called a cab. I thought if I was with him… he's got your mother's eyes. More even than Danny. We can talk about this for the rest of my life and it will still end here. So…" His head raised proudly Henry took the bag and wanted to pass his son.  
Frank shook his head. „Open it, pops."  
"Do you think I'm playing with you, son?" Angrily Henry opened the old bag, showing clothes, a purse and his old revolver. Frank's stomach turned as he realized that his father was really prepared to leave for good. What had been wrong with him in the past days? What would have been if Erin hadn't talked to him today, would he even understand what was going on?

The commissioner's hands shook as he closed the zip. "No" he said with a firmness in his voice he didn't feel, "I think we should go in and unpack." When he looked into his father's eyes he felt like he was ten years old again. "I need you here, pops. Your family needs you here."  
"Are you sure?" Henry's voice was mocking to hide the hope in it. "I promise this is the last time I will offer this to you. If you don't get rid of me now I'll stick with you till I die."  
_Till I die. Till he would have no father anymore_.

Frank didn't know he was crying till he heard himself sobbing violently. One day he was going to lose his father, he would have to live alone in that big house, waiting for his children and grandchildren to eventually drop by.  
"I am sure" he managed to croak out and then he let Henry lead him in and sit him down in the kitchen in front of a glass of whiskey to cry out all the nights of fear and nightmares and grief he had lived through in the past two weeks that seemed to be ten years long.  
His father sat right beside him, watching over his son.

His breath was showing in the cold air as he got out of the car, still unsteady on his feet. The ground was cragged and slippery in some places and most of the candles were almost burnt down. Slowly Jamie stumbled forward, trying not to breathe in too deeply – his lung was still very sensible, and everything quicker than a slow trot made him dizzy with lack of oxygen.  
He had been sure Danny would forbid him to come here. Even though he had moved to his apartment two days before Danny wouldn't let him out of sight completely. He called every day at least four times to check if Jamie was still breathing. And Jamie knew that if he didn't return to the car in twenty minutes Danny would call him again, and if he didn't pick up at the third ringing, he would come after him.  
With almost numb fingers Jamie reached for the cell in the pocket of his coat. It was too big for him, lent from Danny of course. Or better forced upon him.

He had reached the grave. Seven minutes. He would need at least as much time to get back, so he had not much time here.  
"Hey" Jamie whispered, "greetings from Danny. He drove me here so I would not sneak out again. I wonder he let me come here on my own, actually, but…" He smiled briefly, then stopped. "I screwed up, Joe. I really did. I was so mad about Maura's death that I didn't realize what I was doing to Danny and Erin and dad. Now they all were scared for me, and I just… I couldn't stay away. I felt like I owed it to her, after all I had done. It was my fault, you know. I don't care what the records say, I… if I had paid more attention maybe I would have seen Melissa Samuels around before she killed her. And then I almost killed her. I wanted to kill her so badly, Joe, it was just as when I saw Malevsky that night with the templars. I wanted to see them die. And that scares me. It scares me so much I haven't even dared to visit Maura's grave yet. She deserves better than a vindictive disabled… I'm not even sure if I'm a cop anymore. Or if I want to be one."  
He had said it. Jamie closed his eyes, surprised at how the words sounded spoken out aloud in the air. He was just betraying his dream. And his brother.  
He looked at his watch to gain time, even though it was more than stupid to feel ashamed to look at a _stone_. Two and a half minutes left.  
"Sometimes I feel like every decision I make is a mistake. I mean, I went to Harvard though I wanted to be a cop. Now I got debts I'll need twenty years to pay off, and… I wonder what it was for. I thought being a cop was all I wanted but right now… I just want it all to be undone. I don't care if I'm a cop or a lawyer or a shopkeeper, I just want Maura back, and you. How am I supposed to help people or be a good example for them if I tried to kill a woman? I'm tired, Joe. I thought this would be where my life was leading to, but… you know when Syd left I thought we were just not meant to be. But what if she was right? What if this job is not meant to be? I don't know what to do, Joe." Jamie pressed his lips together but the tears still rolled down his face. "I need your help, Joe. You always knew what to do, you always could solve problems that left Danny and me helpless. We need you, Joe. Why did it have to be you? Why couldn't it be me? I feel like it's all my fault. I try to be strong and go on and… I have ten months to get back in shape, and then I'll be out on the streets again. And I don't know if I can go back, after all. I'm so afraid. Dad's proud of me, and sometimes I feel Danny is, too. They seem to think that I'm a good cop now, just now when I… when I don't know who I am anymore." He closed his eyes. It was hard to breathe while sobbing and Jamie shivered in the cold air. He was weaker than he had thought, or was it just the sadness around him? So much death. Life hardly stood a chance against that.

"Hey, kid! You're alright?"  
Coughing with surprise Jamie turned around, automatically checking his cell. "You… you didn't…"  
"No, I didn't call you." Danny smiled, relieved to see his brother still standing. "I figured you had enough time alone." He stepped next to Jamie and put an arm around his shoulder. "Hey, Joe."  
The brothers remained in silence till Jamie stopped crying. Danny didn't ask why and he was grateful for it. He wouldn't have been able to tell his big brother, not now.

Danny watched his brother closely while praying. Jamie was pale, and from the haunted look in his eyes he supposed there was something new scaring him, something more than Maura or Joe. Fear grabbed for his heart with an icy hand. What was Jamie getting into now?  
_Please let him be okay,_ he prayed to Joe. He had to stay calm now. Things _could_ only get better, he mustn't become paranoid. _Just let him be okay._

"Jamie you know that whatever is bothering you you can tell me, right?"  
Jamie swallowed and nodded. _Just not now._  
"Good." Danny smiled as he helped his little brother into the car. "Then let's go. We've slipped enough family dinners lately."

END… for now ;)


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